Friday, October 28, 2011

Treatise on Halloween

Here I present, in no particular order of significance, my thoughts on Halloween (and a few other things):

1. I was a princess for Halloween from ages 3-9. Creativity is not my strong suit.

2. I want to have a bowl full of raisins or toothbrushes to give to anyone who comes trick-or-treating to my house who is above the age of 16. Go buy your own candy, ya bum! Trick-or-treating is for plastic pumpkin toting little kids, and not for greasy teenagers carrying pillowcases for their haul of undeserved candy.

3. I love scary movies, but I almost always have nightmares for a few days afterwards. I mean, not wake-up-screaming and hysterical nightmares, but I dream that some psychopath is trying to kill me, and then right as I'm about to die, I wake up. After my heart palpitations have ceased, and I reach the conclusion that my house is serial-killer free, I doze off; only to have the exact same dream. It is torture.
      Side note to #3: Cary went cross country one night this week, and it was my first time sleeping alone in our house. Just as I was drifting off to dreamland, Abby bolts up and starts barking her head off at the door. For a full minute, I was convinced that I was in the clutches of a mass murderer. It really makes no sense. When Cary is around, I very rarely fear that murderers are going to sneak into our house (unless I'm in the shower; which is a subject for another time.) But the second that he is gone, I interpret every little sound to be the sound of a cold blooded killer making his way into the house.

4. Well, this seems as good a time as any to discuss my irrational fear of showering. Not that showering in and of itself is scary (although you might think that I feel that way, what with the alarming irregularity of my showering habits) but I am always terrified that someone is going to sneak in my house and kill me while I'm sudsing it up. It would really be the perfect time. The water is running, I can't hear anything, and besides threatening to squirt shampoo in their eyes, I am defenseless. Usually at least once per shower, I have to turn off the water for a few seconds and listen to make sure there are no axe wielding psychopaths in my house. And I can't even count the number of times I've gotten shampoo in my eyes beacuse I've felt the need to open my eyes while rinsing because I am positive that death itself is about to pull back the shower curtain.

5. I shouldn't have watched Psycho when I was a little kid.

6. I have mixed feelings on the "fun-sized" candy issue. One the one hand, candy is undeniably fun. And it is always strangely cute when it is in miniature form. And in the moment, it is certainly fun to eat half a bag of mini twix and kit kats and snickers. But afterwards, when none of your pants fit and your teeth hurt and you are full of self loathing, it is decidedly not very fun. Here is what I don't get: As a person who is perpetually trying to eat better, I would never consider eating 2 entire full sized candy bars. That would just be ridiculous. But I can eat 2 candy bars worth of fun sized treats faster than you can say "Type 2 Diabetes."

7. I am 1 of probably about 5 people in the world who like Good N' Plenties. I also sincerely enjoy Peeps. I am thrilled that they are available for all holidays now, instead of just Easter.

8. Speaking of Peeps, but unrelated to Halloween, and slightly inappropriate, but still funny:

9. One year, my friend and I painted cardboard boxes to look like dice and wore them for trick-or-treating. This seemed like an excellent idea, until we realized that the location of the arm holes prevented us from bringing our arms together or putting them down. Much armpit chafing ensued.

10. I had several excellent ideas for costumes this year, but due to laziness and lack of husband cooperation, none of them came to fruition. My first idea was for Cary to be Mario, me to be Princess Peach, and Abby to be Yoshi. Then I decided that we would be the whole Where's Waldo clan, including his dog and girlfriend who I learned through a googlesearch, is named Wendy. And then I decided Cary and I would be cowboys, and Abby would be a cow. All of these costumes revolved around the idea of dressing up Abby. I am one of those people. In the end, we're just going to be grown ups sitting at home and passing out candy. This counts as a costume to me, since I still can hardly believe that I am a married adult with a house in which to pass out candy. Weird.


  1. I think that your raisins and toothbrushes idea is great. :) We never passed out candy. We went to parties. I have a really awesome costume this year. And I am tres sad I am not wearing it around you guys.

    PS I also like Good N Plenties & Peeps. :)

  2. i never feel more vulnerable than when i am in the shower. i can handle bugs most of the time, but in the shower, well, that's another story. everything is scarier in there. i think that's one of the first things i ever blogged about.

  3. Oddly, my serial killer fears are stronger while drying my hair. I know that as soon as I sweep the hair out of my face, instead of seeing my fabulous coif in the mirror, I will see a bad guy. And because it will be in the mirror, it will be all the scarier and disorienting. Should I try to blast him with the turbo setting on my blow dryer? And if so, is he really on my left or my right? My crippling lack of spatial reasoning will lead to certain doom...
    PS- Good N Plenties are disgusting.

  4. Ah ha ha ha ha...ha ha..ha. Please never stop writing in your blog. You are so funny! I remember after I watched Sixth Sense when it first came out I couldn't sleep by myself for a very long time. And I haven't watched a scary movie in a long time because I always end up peeking outside of the shower curtain while showering to make sure no one is out there and looking up mid face wash to make sure nothing is appearing in my mirror to come and get me. I love being married because I never worry about things coming to get me at night anymore...unless he is gone. Then I turn on all lights and lock all doors...and turn on a movie to distract myself. Yes, we have a TV in our bedroom. We don't watch it all that much anymore though since once we actually do get to bed we fall asleep right when our heads hit the pillow. I do not like Good N Plenties or Peeps...but those are about the only candies I don't like. And anything dark chocolate.

    Well, I guess I won't come trick or treating to your house anymore because I definitely don't want raisins. Wait...I have a kid...if I bring my newborn does that count? :)

  5. The shower is definitely the most terrifying place in my house. Especially when Jake's gone. And even when Jake's home. Mainly because Jake thinks it's funny to sneak into the bathroom and scare me while I'm in the shower. Somehow, I don't think this is improving the whole "fear of shower" condition...

  6. I am fairly sure that it is a husband thing to scare us in the shower! Will does this as well... so does Milly though. She is just so good at poking her head in and licking my leg right when I let my guard down. Also she is really good at pushing our warped doors open even when I try to close her out. (Milly is my dog for anyone freaked out by this story thinking it is a person). Also I am super in love with your blog and demand you never quit blogging.