"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about."

I'm not quite sure what is motivating this blog post.  Maybe I just need to process my feelings and writing about it in a sort of public forum is helpful? Maybe it feels so good to have one person understand, and now I just want everyone to understand. Maybe I am a narcissist and I just want to talk about myself a lot? For whatever reason, here comes a doozy.

I have been afraid of throwing up for as long as I can remember. Understatement of the still young century right there.

I was about 7 the last time I threw up. Even typing that sentence gives me extreme anxiety and makes me feel like I've jinxed myself. For the longest time, I wouldn't tell anyone when I last threw up, would never even say the word for fear that it was going to jinx me and make me sick. Seeing the word in print or seeing someone get sick in a movie sent me into a tailspin of anxiety. For my whole life, I've labeled it as an out of control and embarrassing phobia that I just need to get over, but I've never been able to conquer it. And as time has gone by and especially since becoming a mom, it has gotten So. Much. Worse. I am consumed by this fear and the relentless and obsessive thoughts that go along with it. And just recently, my little boy spilled his orange juice and was absolutely beside himself upset. He wasn't just sad it spilled or that his shirt was messy, he was SCARED. And seeing his fear over something that is NOT scary made me realize that my issues could become his if I don't get help. So I sought out a therapist to help me get over this phobia. And she immediately diagnosed me with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. At first I didn't understand, and I wanted a redo on this phobia therapy session gone wrong. But as we continued talking, I realized that OCD is truly the bigger demon that is feeding my phobia.

People joke about OCD all of time- it's definitely not "offensive" to me- people usually say someone is OCD when they mean they are anal or a little obsessive. Whatever, it's a casual colloquialism with no offense made or taken. But I do wish people understood that truly suffering from OCD doesn't mean liking your clothes in color order in your closet (although I do really enjoy that). It means feeling constantly trapped by irrational fears and obsessive thoughts that lead you to irrational compulsions in a vicious cycle, that no one knows more than you is irrational and illogical and totally nonsensical- but you feel completely powerless to stop. I KNOW throwing up is not actually something to be terrified of. I KNOW it's not dangerous. I KNOW that not saying my prayers isn't going to make me throw up- but my brain sends me a message all day long, all night long, on loop- Throwing up is THE worst thing that could ever happen to you, you will not survive, and if you do these things, maybe you can prevent it. OCD is having a constant nervous itch in your brain that is soothed by repetitive and intrusive compulsions. But the relief is so brief, and not real, so you are drawn to these compulsions over and over again as your brain plays a nonstop highlight reel of your biggest fears. It sounds so silly, being paralyzed and held prisoner by such a trivial little fear, but it is SO real. And I've spent my whole life so embarrassed and ashamed of what feels like a ridiculous thing to be so consumed by, but through talking about it, I've found people who struggle with similar fears and compulsions, and just not feeling so alone has helped me so much. 

So, for my own purposes and for anyone that this might possibly help, this is what my OCD looks like. 

1. Constantly checking to see if I feel okay, overanalyzing every stomach rumble and feeling. Keeping mints and bags and Zofran and water with me at all times, "just in case."

2. Constantly assessing Nate- is he pale? He is grouchy? Is he eating too little? Is he eating too much? Is he acting "off"?? 

3. Odd ritualistic behavior- Nate wore that shirt or those pajamas last time he threw up, so I won't put him in them again. If Cary dresses him and puts him in those clothes, I will be very anxious and uncomfortable, but I force myself to try to act normal and not change his clothes- this is my whole life. Trying to force myself to act normal when every part of my brain is screaming EMERGENCY SOMEONE MIGHT VOMIT.

4. Being afraid if I don't read my scriptures or say my prayers, I will be sick.

5. Being afraid if Nate doesn't say the phrase "And help me be healthy" in his night time prayers, he will be sick.

6. Obsessively washing hands and sanitizing our house after we've been "exposed."

7. Obsessively washing Nate's hands and using hand sanitizer when he's been around other kids or touching things in public.

8. Obsessively researching how to avoid the stomach flu, reading the same web pages over and over, trying to soothe my scared brain.

9. Researching norovirus outbreaks, googling "how often does your child get the stomach flu", "do you always get sick when your child gets sick," Over and over. I started to realize I was not okay when I saw google saying things like "You've visited this page 19 times" on some article about stomach flu prevention. 

10. Afraid to go to sleep at night because I am afraid Nate/someone/me will wake up throwing up.

11. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I count the hours until morning when I will feel "safe" that no one threw up during the night. I often can't go back to sleep when I wake up in the middle of the night because I am so anxious. 

12. When Nate wakes up in the middle of the night, I immediately launch into fight or flight- it doesn't matter if it's a nightmare, dropped blanket, etc., it takes me an hour or so to calm my heart rate and calm down enough to go back to sleep. The few times he has been sick, I am fighting furiously to keep a panic attack at bay as I help him, and as soon as it is over, I am in full fledged panic attack mode, and I will not sleep for the rest of the night.

13. When someone in my house does have stomach problems, I don't sleep for days, I am so anxious and panicked. Just my husband or even someone I saw for 5 minutes at church mentioning that their stomach feels funny is enough to fuel a panic filled night.

14. I am constantly seeking reassurance from my poor husband- If Nate gets sick, you'll clean it up right? Will you go in there and tell him I can't come if he wants me to come be with him? I probably ask Cary these questions 2-3 times per week and that sweet man is so patient but he just doesn't understand my paranoia, and my constant need for reassurance. How could he? It doesn't make any sense!

15. When someone I know has been sick, I will avoid them for weeks. And I will try to subtly ask questions about the illness so I can decide if it's something contagious or how bad it was, so I can properly gauge my level of panic.

16. When I have seen someone vomit, my brain replays the scene over and over again. A constant loop that I can't turn off. I have nightmares about myself getting sick.

17. If I am feeling nervous about getting sick, I have an overwhelming and constant urge to wash my hands. I can usually control it and force myself to not wash too much, but the urge is always there. And if I've been exposed, all bets are off and I will wash my hands until they bleed. 

18. I want to avoid family gatherings, going on vacations, airplanes, amusement parks and other things I really enjoy because they cause me so much anxiety. Once again I force myself to interact and act normal, but I experience so much anxiety and fear and my compulsions increase drastically in the days leading up to the event and during the event.

19. I obsessively check those around me for looking ill- if I saw a kid looking sick at the grocery store, I will come home and wash my hands, Nate's hands, and think about whether or not we could have been exposed for days. If someone coughs funny, burps, or holds their stomach, I will notice, analyze and obsess for hours.

20. I am constantly aware of how much time has elapsed since a possible "exposure" and googling how long the stomach flu is contagious, incubation period, etc.

21. When I feel ill, I tap my fingers in symmetrical patterns, jiggle my knee to certain beats, pinch myself hard to distract myself from the nauseous feeling. 

22. I feel very uncomfortable that this list is ending on 22 instead of 20. I want to edit 2 out, but as I'm trying to learn not to be a compulsive crazy person, I'm leaving it. 

So many of my compulsions are semi-under control, in that I can force myself to not do them (i.e., compulsive hand washing), but I can not stop the urge, can not stop my anxious brain from searching for something, anything to take away the worry. That's the problem with my compulsions- they make me feel better, for just a minute. So I do them over and over again, and the anxiety ramps up higher and higher between each. 

I kept brushing off my issues to the therapist, telling her, "I know this is so dumb, I know this is so silly.." And telling her that I know lots of people have actual problems and actual hard things to deal with instead of imaginary ones. She stopped me and said, "You have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It is not a weird quirk. It is hard.You are terrified all of the time, and fighting like hell just to live a normal life. This is real, and it is hard, and you don't have to feel this way, and I can help you." And I started crying right there. Not because I was better or because I was happy to have a mental illness, but because for the first time, I felt like maybe I wasn't just a weak sissy, and that my struggles were valid, and most importantly, with some help, I can get better. 

Most people would probably keep this to themselves, and I am sure some people reading this now think I am 100% crazy pants, but I feel like admitting to myself and to the world what I struggle with is the first step in getting better. Owning my problem and talking about it helps me feel like one day this won't be my brain and my life. Identifying and writing down my compulsions helps me see how illogical they are and gives me the first tools to try to stop them. And maybe just one person out there will read this that will relate to part of it and feel a little more normal, a little less alone. And if that's the case, it's worth airing my dirty and super of embarrassing laundry for the world to see. And if none of that, at least now you can all stop putting me on a pedestal- I may be beautiful and hilarious and awesome and smart, but take comfort in knowing that I am also straight up nuts. (I'm kidding. I feel like sarcasm is lost in print here.)

I owe it to him to get better. Because the world is too bright and beautiful to always be afraid.