Thursday, February 13, 2014

The Prodigal Blogger Returneth

...Oh hey blog! Good to see you. It's been forever! Yeah, I've been really busy... You called? Oh really, I never saw any calls... Yeah, I tried to call a few times too... You didn't get those? Huh. My phone must be broken... Or something... Well, I better get going, I'm super busy... I need to go um wash my hair. We'll get together soon for sure. I'll call you sometime...

You know those old friends you reunite with after a long time without seeing each other and it feels like you were never apart? A blog is not that friend. I feel so awkward. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, a fair maiden set about writing a witty and captivating blog entry detailing the last 8 months that I have been absent from this venue. And lo, it was a beautiful thing. There were pictures! And words! Exclamation points flowed freely! And just as this amazing but still humble maiden went to press upon the "Publish" button, the computer was possessed by Satan and went totally berzerk and the blog was lost. And I searched my drafts folder and tried to find the blessed missive, but behold, it was gone forever.

And that is just the cherry on top of a slightly crap-tastic couple of days! Disclaimer: Let the record state that I am PMS-ing and having a lot of feelings, and I'm just gonna write them and you people can DEAL! Because it's my blog and I do what I want! If you don't like it, then you can watch this video of a dog with people hands eating at the table because I don't care who you are, that is just good comedy.

Anywho. I have been compiling a mental list of things that make me really grouchy, and I feel compelled to share that list with you. Because misery loves company. Just kidding. But sometimes when life's got you down, all you really need is someone to commiserate with.

Things that are the worst:

1. Healthy eating. I have been trying reeeeeally hard for the last 6 weeks to eat really healthy. I have been trying to eat lots of fruits and veggies, counting my calories, trying not to snack so much, and only having 2 desserts per week (and trust me, that is really scaling back for me. This is from someone who prefers a dessert after every meal. This is a really long parenthesis. I don't even think that's allowed, grammatically). So I'm working really hard. And guess what? It's the worst! The scale is not moving in a favorable direction. This is not a plea for suggestions and if you tell me I need to eat gluten free, I swear to you I will shove a loaf of Ezekiel bread up your nose. I know eating healthy is good for me, and sometimes it makes me feel healthier and less bloated. I just wish I liked it, ya know? All those people who are like "OMG I just LOVE eating hEaLtHy and junk food is sooo disgusting and I LOVE salad for every meal, with a wheat grass juice chaser!!! And my sweet tooth is TOTALLY satisfied by plain gReEk YoGuRt!!!!!" I want to strangle them with their beloved kale. Boy this is getting very hostile. That is not the point. The point is: I wish I liked eating healthy. I do it, because I do not want to die at age 25 from heart disease and because I only want to purchase one airline seat for my caboose, but man. It's the pits. Do Sour Patch Watermelons count as a fruit serving?

2. Exercising. Speaking of healthy things that really grind my gears. Why does 30 minutes on the treadmill feel like an eternity of torture that will never end, and yet I can easily spend an entire hour completely enthralled by trying to teach Abby to balance cheerios on her nose and then flick them in the air and catch them in her mouth?? One of these activities is improves many areas in my life, not too mention furthering my cause of not having to buy two plane tickets, while the other ultimately ends with me googling, "How to tell if your dog is not that smart." This seems like an important thing to tell you guys: I found an article on the internet with a doggie IQ test. I tested Abby and let's just say that doggie MENSA won't be coming around this recruitment season. That wasn't really where I pictured this paragraph going, but I felt you should know. What I'm really getting at is once again that I exercise and I know it's good for me, but I wish I didn't have to actually do it.

3. Soaking wet jeans and shoes from melting snow, and the subsequent muddy floors that follow.

4. People that make hair appointments and then don't show up and don't call. Not cool, homie!

5. A random phone number keeps texting me and telling me that he's going to send me a picture of his willis and doodleberries (my words, not his). Please refrain.

6. At my new salon, there is a credit card machine there, and you have to go in after the payment has processed and add in the tip. But you only have a short window to do it, and if you forget to do it, you can never add that tip in. I robbed myself of a $20 tip and that makes me real sad. But the good news is that I got myself one of those neato square card readers for your phone, so problem solved. But I'm still sad about that 20 bucks.

Slightly inappropriate but ohhh so accurate.
7. This is a warning that this blog is about to go into TMI territory. You've been warned. Baby making is also the worst. Don't get me wrong- I am quite fond of certain aspects, but the rest of it gets two thumbs way down. The charting and the pills and the waiting and monitoring and the hopes up and the hopes down and deciding that babies are dumb anyway, and so you'll just adopt 10 dogs and teach them all to balance cheerios on their noses and catch them in the air, simultaneously, and that will definitely be just as fulfilling, and then remembering that babies are awesome, and wishing that your uterus wasn't stupid and then seeing pregnant girls smoking and wanting to stuff their cigarettes into their ears. It's one of those things that you don't want to talk about it or think about it and yet you can't stop talking about it and thinking about it. Most people are so quiet about this kind of stuff, but I am incapable of being quiet about really any thought that has ever passed through my brain. I feel like I am being totally disingenuous going about my daily life and pretending all is well when inside I feel a bit like a little tug boat in a giant sea of tumultuous emotions. Oh yeah, that's the cliche simile I went with. I gotta be me. It's uncomfortable to keep all of those thoughts in there, they just have to come out! The point is, if anyone reading this is also going through this, give me a ring and we will drink caffeinated beverages and ride roller coasters and do other such things that preggos can't do and commiserate about the agony of being way too acutely aware of ones cervical mucous. Yeah, I went there.

That concludes my list of things that are the worst. By way of actual news of our lives, I motion that we just skip the last 8 months and dive right in to the present, and since this is my blog, the motion passes! Cary and I are both busily working away. Cary is home, which is always delightful. I just started at my little salon last week, and it's just dandy so far! Some days are super busy, and some are a little slow, but it's going better than I anticipated and I love being on my own! The actual business aspect gives me mild heart palpitations, but it's worth it to be my own boss. This very blog post is brought to you by that flexibility, in fact! I've really missed writing. Writing helps me process my life, the good stuff, the not-as-good stuff, and usually makes me laugh about it in the process. Now that my life is settling from the pure chaos that consumed it for the last few months, I'm hoping to get back into blogging. And if you're lucky, maybe I won't ever mention cervical mucous again. But no promises.

Happy Valentine's Day!! I will be spending mine eating truly obscene amounts of candy that I have been denying myself up to this point.