Wednesday, August 31, 2011
I return my shopping cart after loading my groceries into the car. I use my blinker. I even recycle occassionally.
But there are a few guilty habits of mine that I feel the need to confess. Perhaps some of you do the same things, which would ease my guilty conscience. Or perhaps you will read this and be disgusted at what a terrible person I am. Either way, here goes:
1. While engaged in some intensive facebook stalking at work, I have been delighted to discover that many of the "popular" girls at my school are now fat and trashy. This should make me feel sad for them, and wonder what lead them to this desperate and pathetic looking state, but instead I am giddy about the fact that they peaked in high school. And it serves them right for asking me to be in their group for group projects, just so that I would do all of the work while they swapped tips on getting beer stains out of their cheerleading uniforms and exchanged stories on what it is like to live life with the IQ of a sea urchin.
2. I've taken out the trash probably 3 times in my entire life. I just keep stuffing things in and piling up the trash while hoping that someone else (namely: my husband) will get annoyed with it and take it out. It shames me to admit this, but I recently threw away trash from making dinner into our office trash can because our kitchen trash can was beyond overflowing and I really didn't want to take it out.
3. When I am in the faster moving lane during a traffic jam (which has only happened about 2 times in my life) I feel immensely superior to all those suckers stuck in the slow lane. Rather than being sympathetic to that oh-so-familiar situation, I sit taller in my seat and stare straight ahead, making a conscious effort to avoid eye contact that might lead them to believe I will let them into my lane.
4. I get genuinely irritated when my already-skinny friends go on diets or train for a marathon or something. Rather than being supportive, I mope around about how they are raising the bar entirely too high, and now who am I going to eat dessert and complain about getting fat with?? It is just unfair that they would consider trying to better their health or figure without consulting my needs first.
5. All you moms are going to hate me for this one... But when I'm out at some sort of establishment where little kids are present, such as a restaurant or theme park or something, and I'm there with a group without any kids, all I can think is, "Ha ha! I am having so much more fun than you! No one in this group has cried at all, and I don't have to worry about anyone's bathroom needs!" Someday, I will have kids and I really am looking forward to that, but for now, I can not lie: I love going places with out them.
6. This doesn't really make me a bad person, but I just need to lay it all out there: I swallow my gum, almost all of the time. Cary thinks it is the most disgusting thing on the planet and actually gags when I do it. I keep trying to stop and make an effort to throw it away, but I just unconsiously swallow it once I'm sick of it.
7. I get very competitive with my treadmill neighbor while I'm at the gym, and feel somehow superior if I run faster/longer than they do. This is especially true if I am running next to some muscular dude or a skinny girl who is wearing make-up and jewelry and a color-coordinated gym outfit. But if it turns out that my neighbor is running more than I am going to, I think they are just showing off or that the competition is somehow unfair. Either way, I convince myself that I won my made-up treadmill competition.
8. Provided that no one gets seriously injured, nothing brings me more delight than watching people fall down. Given the entertainment that I have provided to other people with my collection of public wipe outs, I feel that I have earned the right to laugh at others. One of the highlights of my life was watching a guy who thought he was super hot stuff fall off the back of his treadmill. I replay it in my mind when I need a little lift.
9. I have been guilty of hiding in the elevator and not pressing the hold door open button so that I don't have to share an awkward elevator ride with a stranger.
10. I write long and pointless blogs while at work and only feel very vague and occassional pangs of guilt.
Posted by Amy Reeves at 8:20 AM