Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I am mostly a good person, I would say.

I return my shopping cart after loading my groceries into the car. I use my blinker. I even recycle occassionally.

But there are a few guilty habits of mine that I feel the need to confess. Perhaps some of you do the same things, which would ease my guilty conscience. Or perhaps you will read this and be disgusted at what a terrible person I am. Either way, here goes:

1. While engaged in some intensive facebook stalking at work, I have been delighted to discover that many of the "popular" girls at my school are now fat and trashy. This should make me feel sad for them, and wonder what lead them to this desperate and pathetic looking state, but instead I am giddy about the fact that they peaked in high school. And it serves them right for asking me to be in their group for group projects, just so that I would do all of the work while they swapped tips on getting beer stains out of their cheerleading uniforms and exchanged stories on what it is like to live life with the IQ of a sea urchin.

2. I've taken out the trash probably 3 times in my entire life. I just keep stuffing things in and piling up the trash while hoping that someone else (namely: my husband) will get annoyed with it and take it out. It shames me to admit this, but I recently threw away trash from making dinner into our office trash can because our kitchen trash can was beyond overflowing and I really didn't want to take it out.

3. When I am in the faster moving lane during a traffic jam (which has only happened about 2 times in my life) I feel immensely superior to all those suckers stuck in the slow lane. Rather than being sympathetic to that oh-so-familiar situation, I sit taller in my seat and stare straight ahead, making a conscious effort to avoid eye contact that might lead them to believe I will let them into my lane.

4. I get genuinely irritated when my already-skinny friends go on diets or train for a marathon or something. Rather than being supportive, I mope around about how they are raising the bar entirely too high, and now who am I going to eat dessert and complain about getting fat with?? It is just unfair that they would consider trying to better their health or figure without consulting my needs first.

5. All you moms are going to hate me for this one... But when I'm out at some sort of establishment where little kids are present, such as a restaurant or theme park or something, and I'm there with a group without any kids, all I can think is, "Ha ha! I am having so much more fun than you! No one in this group has cried at all, and I don't have to worry about anyone's bathroom needs!" Someday, I will have kids and I really am looking forward to that, but for now, I can not lie: I love going places with out them.

6. This doesn't really make me a bad person, but I just need to lay it all out there: I swallow my gum, almost all of the time. Cary thinks it is the most disgusting thing on the planet and actually gags when I do it. I keep trying to stop and make an effort to throw it away, but I just unconsiously swallow it once I'm sick of it.

7. I get very competitive with my treadmill neighbor while I'm at the gym, and feel somehow superior if I run faster/longer than they do. This is especially true if I am running next to some muscular dude or a skinny girl who is wearing make-up and jewelry and a color-coordinated gym outfit.  But if it turns out that my neighbor is running more than I am going to, I think they are just showing off or that the competition is somehow unfair. Either way, I convince myself that I won my made-up treadmill competition.

8. Provided that no one gets seriously injured, nothing brings me more delight than watching people fall down. Given the entertainment that I have provided to other people with my collection of public wipe outs, I feel that I have earned the right to laugh at others. One of the highlights of my life was watching a guy who thought he was super hot stuff fall off the back of his treadmill. I replay it in my mind when I need a little lift.

9. I have been guilty of hiding in the elevator and not pressing the hold door open button so that I don't have to share an awkward elevator ride with a stranger.

10. I write long and pointless blogs while at work and only feel very vague and occassional pangs of guilt.


  1. You are hilarious! I love reading your actually makes me not want to write in mine because it won't be as good as yours. I most definitely do some of the same things. I am guilty of 1, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9. Nate gets mad because I always laugh when he gets hurt-like the other day, he was taking his shirt off and hit his hand on the ceiling fan..and I laughed. I tell him I can't help it because I really can't. It just happens and I can't not laugh. And I hate when someone gets onto the eliptical right next to me because then I have to try to not be "married" to them the whole time-you know like the swings in don't want to be going the same way at exactly the same speed and time. And I do pretend to not see people when they are coming to the elevator and I kind of hide in the corner until the door closes. Thanks for the laughs!

  2. Oh, yea. That's my girl. Laying it on out there. You are amazing, Amy --- you just make me smile.

  3. 1. i am jealous of all those people at restaurants that sit there without children and have their peaceful dinners. you're lucky. haha.

    2. I always swallow my gum. and levi thinks it's gross too haha

    3. and i hate/am jealous of all the skinny people running marathons. i hate running. and don't have enough motivation to change that. haha so props to you doing it all the time. =)

  4. 1 - i still need to see other people's failures to make me feel better about myself. i'm not proud of that, but it's true.
    4 - i get irritated when they CHOOSE to go on a diet or stupid workout program, then complain about it. seriously?
    5 - doesn't make me angry at all. i'm glad you enjoy it and recognize how easy it is to hop out of your car and go, without unstrapping 14 straps first. and when jonathan and i go somewhere without the kids, we're totally high-fiving each other when we pass other people with their kids with them. so keep right on enjoying life.
    8 - anyone pick a desk next to the window high up in the library at the Y on a day when it's icy outside just to watch people slip? my favorite is when it's somebody wearing heels or naturally looking better than i did on my wedding day.

  5. Amy. You and I have far too much on this post in common.
    1- My 10 year reunion was a few weekends ago. I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing what I am doing or what I look like now (honestly, not too much different from back then). But it (terrible as it sounds) makes me feel better when I see people gained a nasty 10-15 lbs.

    4-My favorite diet happens to be Andrea's magical snacks diet. Mostly her mint brownies. They are delicious, and for some unknown reason, I always lose 3-5 lbs whenever I eat them. This is also a valid argument for her other treats... like her pumpkin cupcakes with something crazy amazing in the middle. With fall coming up, you should have her make them for you. :)

    8- The put in a skywalk at BYUI that connects the student center to the library, and the Hart (= to the RB at BYU) to the new BYUI center. This upsets me because a) they don't have to go out in the cold to get to the other building and that is part of experiencing BYUI and b) because falling in the snow is a very important part of being a real BYU-I-ite. I did have one falling experience my freshman year when I slipped on a patch of ice and it was like the falls on the movies... where my feet went up in the air and my butt hit the ground first. It was painful. I always try to ignore people when they fall, even though I am laughing on the inside; I know if I ask them if they need help, they will feel even more embarrassed to know that I saw their fall. :P

  6. Rule: If you get on the treadmill after your running neighbor you must continue running until they leave.

    haha loved this post!

  7. You are too funny! I loved this posting. Each point would have been worth at least a half hour of earnest discussion!

    1. Sadly, not all ex-chearleaders are fat. I wish they ALL were. Some of them sadly turned out to be very nice people. So, you must enjoy the trashy ones to the max.
    2. Take out the garbage, girl!
    3. When you are smart enough to find the fast lane, you ARE superior. If you let in somebody from the other lane it just messes it up for all the fast lane people! Don’t let them in!
    4. Skinny friends should keep their skinny little lips closed when the talk about dieting. If they want to do a marathon, that’s okay, as long as they know how to carb load.
    5. Kids are a big pain! You’re right to be happy without them. However, your poor mother could use a few grandchildren, so get on the stick!
    6. Swallow your gum. You seem healthy. I swallow my toothpaste, especially when I’m camping or sharing a sink. I have a minty fresh stomach!
    7. I have excused myself from treadmill envy. I always go shorter time than my neighbor. I figure if they’re still running at 57, good luck with that! The older ladies seem to just walk. I feel superior to them!
    8. I hate watching people fall. You are truly a bad person for that one. That is, unless nobody is hurt and it was truly funny!
    9. I pretend to push the hold door button on elevators, but really push the close door button. I just don’t like waiting!
    10. Thanks for your rambling. It made my day!

  8. I still like you but some of those are WRONG, Ames. I have to agree that people falling down is the funniest thing. Eli things I am sadistic but tells the kids to get ready when a falling montage comes on AFV.