Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Empty.

I know some people wouldn't talk about this, and would just move on like nothing happened, but as you all know at this point, I am an oversharer. And when things happen to me, I talk about them. So.

Over Thanksgiving break, I noticed that my period was late. And it kept getting later. I started noticing the tell-tale signs of pregnancy, but continued to dismiss them and not get my hopes up. But eventually I couldn't handle the wondering anymore. On Thanksgiving day, Cary and I went to the store to buy a pregnancy test. With everyone milling about at our homes, I didn't trust my acting abilities enough to not to blow it that something was up. So, like a nervous teenage girl, I took the pregnancy test in the stall of the grocery store bathroom. 2 minutes tortuously ticked by and I nearly swallowed my tongue when I saw the word "Pregnant" staring back at me. I rushed outside, shaking and holding the stick towards Cary like I was worried it would explode. Cary hugged me and held me so tight and I kept saying over and over again, "I'm pregnant. I'm. Pregnant. I'm PREGNANT!" I was so terrified and excited and shocked and amazed and scared and thrilled. I filled the entire emotional spectrum. We told our parents that day, but decided to keep it under wraps until after I'd seen the doctor and the pregnancy had progressed a little further.

That night, I decided to take another test, just to confirm. It came out negative. Strange. But I knew that the hormone concentration could be lower at night, so I didn't worry too much. I took another test in the morning. Also negative. Very strange. At this point I was getting a little freaked out. Over the next week, I took almost a dozen pregnancy tests. 4 positives, 4 with very faint second lines, and 3 negatives. To say I was confused would be an understatement. When I finally got back from our wonderful thanksgiving vacation, I went and got a blood test. The blood test came back positive! Finally, the drama was over! We called our parents and told them and finally allowed ourselves to celebrate the joyful news! I thought the roller coaster of emotions was over.

This morning I woke up at 4 in the morning to pain and bleeding. We went to the emergency room and after tests and ultrasounds, we found out that we lost the baby. I was supposed to be 7 weeks tomorrow. I feel very fortunate to have had such kind and compassionate doctors and nurses. They took care of me and made me feel normal for mourning the loss of our baby. We've only known about this pregnancy for a few weeks, but a few weeks is long enough to get attached to the idea of bringing a baby home. To (happily) put educational and career plans on hold. To imagine rearranging the guest room to be a baby's room. To picture my belly growing and feeling our baby kick. To stock my purse with gum and crackers to help relieve the new nausea I was feeling. To long to meet the baby that would have made us a family of 3.

I know that this isn't really the tragic stuff that Lifetime movies are made from. And I know that many pregnancies end in miscarriage, and that most women go on to have healthy babies afterwards. And I know we'll be okay. But right now we're really sad. And that's okay too.

18 comments:

  1. So sorry for your lose Amy :(

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  2. You made me cry all over again, Amy. This is a beautiful post about our loss. I say ours because although it is most poignant for you and Cary, it is a loss to your families as well. One day this will become a small part of your history, but today it is heartbreaking.

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  3. To Amy and Cary: I am so sorry for your loss. Amy, I hope you know that your feelings of grief are normal and supported and loved. I also hope that you will be patient with yourself as the rawness of this hole in your life is smoothed. It has been my luxury for many years to have my prayers for Cary answered, and even from a distance of time and place, I had been expectantly hoping for your announcement. I will continue to pray for you as you hurt together. With love, Kari

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  4. Sorry about this. I can't identify bc I've never been pregnant (at least not to my knowledge), but I can only imagine. Hope you are ok. You can whine & complain to me (if you want) about being baby-less bc I know a little bit about that :) miss you guys!

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  5. Oh, Amy. I feel so much for you right now. You are absolutely right to mourn and I believe that even a baby that 'young' will be one that you will get to raise later. Not that that makes it any easier right now, but you guys will be in our prayers. I'm thinking of you. xoxo

    And if I were your neighbor, I'd make you some really unhealthy brownies right now. :)

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  6. So sorry, Amy. Hugs your way.... I'm glad you shared.

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  7. love you girl. i lost a baby between dallin and will. on mother's day, actually. similar scenario - only knew for a couple weeks, etc. it still sucks. (and i don't use that word lightly!) who knew we would be so sad at the prospect of not being nauseated all the time? i blogged about it too - no matter how many people think i should keep that stuff to myself, it helped me to get it all out. but if you ever want to talk, give me a call. come back to the rio and we will eat lots and have food babies together. because after all, while i love my family, food is a close second.

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  8. Hi Amy. I've started writing this a few times but erased it because sometimes words aren't enough. I'm pretty sure they will still not do much but I wanted to say something. Thank goodness you have fun friends who know better how to help. I know we don't know each other very well but I am heartbroken for your loss. (I'll join in with your friend Andrea and say it sucks!) I love your blog and all that you share. We are sending prayers your way. It was fun to chat with you for a bit on Thanksgiving. Thank you for being you. <3 ~Bekki Hopkins

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  9. oh girl! i'm so sorry! losing babies is so hard! and so common! i had an ectopic pregnancy, which hurt like nothing i've ever felt before, soo i was kind of glad to have it taken out, as horrible as that sounds. but it still hurts the heart just the same.

    but, i am glad to hear that you are trying! because i could use some more married friends with babies. ;) thinking of you! muah!

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  10. I had a miscarriage my first pregnancy too. I can still remember how I felt. It is hard for people to understand how much it affects you who have not gone through it. Six kids later, it did get better! Thinking of you at this hard time. :) Love, Sister Roylance. (Jana)

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  11. So sorry to hear this Amy:( I can only imagine how extremely hard this would be, especially for a first pregnancy. I understand why people may want to keep things like this quietand personal, but I've always thought it's better to let people know what you're going through so they can help out in any way they can, even it's just thoughts and prayers.
    Thinking of you!

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  12. Oops, my post disappeared... So sorry for you loss! I know how much losing a pregnancy sucks. Hang in there and be as sad or frustrated as you need to be.
    Love ya!

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  13. I am so sorry, Amy! Sending all my thoughts and love to you. One thing I do know for sure, you are going to be an amazing mom someday. :)

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  14. A big hug to you, Amy... the kind that doesn't let go. I experienced the same thing with my first pregnancy and it was heart wrenching for a time, but I eventually felt peace and I know you will, too. Love you!

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  15. Amy you have every right to grieve. I am glad that you shared. It happens a lot, and I think it is good to talk about it so you know you are not alone. A lot of women who have a miscarriage feel like it is somehow their fault. If you feel this way, try to keep telling yourself that you didn't do anything wrong - its not your fault I promise!! I am so sorry that you have to go through this.

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  16. Amy,
    I didn't know that you were going through all of this, and I am truly sad for your sadness. I love you and Cary, and I know that you will be swell parents when it happens! I see how you are with Ellie, and you are a natural! Hugs, sweet Amy.
    Love,
    Yona

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  17. Im so sorry Amy for you and Cary's loss. You will be an amazing Momma one day!
    Hugs and well wishes headed your way!

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