True Life

It has been a while since I went ahead and laid it all out on the table on the ol' blog. I find sharing my little quirks and guilty pleasures to be strangely cathartic. Perhaps it is because I realize that I'm not alone in my weirdness, or maybe it's just because once I write all out, I realize that even though I count chewing gum as brushing my teeth sometimes, at least I don't eat rocks or anything.

1. Sometimes when Cary is taking a nap, I put dog treats on him so Abby will eat them and wake him up. I start subtle- next to his leg or on his chest. And then I progress to more difficult locations. The ultimate objective is to keep him asleep long enough that I can put one on his face and he will be suddenly awoken by a giant dog jumping on his lap and trying to french kiss him. He usually wakes up before this, because I am giggling myself silly. In fact, I just engaged in this very activity moments ago and I am still chortling about it. I got to his neck before he groaned something unintelligible and whimpered a bit and covered himself in the blanket. I've been doing this for weeks, and I'm not sure he's fully aware of what's happening yet.

2. As previously stated, when I am running late or feeling especially lazy, I occasionally count chewing gum as brushing my teeth. The good news is that usually the feeling that my teeth are wearing fuzzy sweaters becomes too much to bear and I end up brushing my teeth sometime later that morning. So, it evens out. Plus the dentist told me my teeth are awesome, so stop judging me right this instant.

3. On more than one occasion this week, I skipped dinner so I could eat popcorn and ice cream instead. I don't regret it.

4. I spent a truly appalling amount of time facebook stalking myself just now- reading old posts from friends, old status updates, old pictures... It made me all nostalgic. I miss my high school and college friends. Especially all of my guy friends who apparently became repulsed by me in instant I got married. What gives? Also, I laugh at my own jokes. What can I say. I make me laugh sometimes.

5. I have only worn pants with a zipper and button three times this week. Being sick + having no job = sweatpants city. Let's not discuss how many times I showered this week. Okay fine, I'll tell you: 3.

6. I wasn't going to talk about this, because it's still hard for me to think about, but I really feel I need to share this: My entire life is a sham. You may or may not know this, but I have built my life around the glorious fact that I have never had a cavity. It was my pride and joy.  I went to the dentist this week. It was all going great. The hygienist gave me tons of compliments on my pristine pearly whites, and even believed me when I said I floss everyday. As if. Plus, they had TVs on the ceiling and headphones and I got to watch Boy Meets World. And then the dentist came in... And he says all casual like, "Oh, it looks like your filling is chipped, we're going to have to replace it."Suddenly the room became dim and the mood ominous. "But Doctor... I've never had a cavity... I've never had a filling! Why would I have a filling??? Are you sure it's not a sealant?" I said, entirely nonplussed. The dentist was unwavering. "Well, you DO have a filling, and it's cracked, so we're going to fix it." He also made a dentist-y joke about why it wasn't a sealant and all of the dentist ladies laughed, but I didn't understand the joke and also my existence was crumbling before me, so I didn't laugh. My entire world came crashing down around me. When suddenly, a buried memory resurfaced... Several years ago, I went to the dentist and the dentist was worried that I might have a cavity. But when I returned, he told me that I did NOT have a cavity, but they were going to put a sealant on my tooth to make sure I don't get one. A sealant, my fanny! That double-dealing dentist of mine pulled the wool over my eyes and gave me a filling when I didn't even know about it! The horror! The indignity! The shame! I'll have to update my resume at once. No longer "The Girl With No Cavities..." I am so ashamed.

7. Sometimes I write really long and dramatic paragraphs about going to the dentist. But guys.... I'm seriously dying over this. Plus I gotta pay 60 bones to get my traitorous filling fixed. AND I have to get a shot in my mouth which is the worst thing on earth.




Phew. I feel better now.