Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Welcome to Wal-Mart

Greetings, sports fans! I am currently writing this from behind my desk, where I have been gainfully employed for nigh unto an entire week now. It is obviously an extremely demanding profession, and I really don't have time to be writing this. It has been almost an hour since I wandered around the gym aimlessly, and you know that the wall doesn't stare at itself. That's what they pay me for. As many of you are aware, the Air Force processes paperwork like a machine; that is, a machine in which several parts are missing, incompetent, and/or hate people. My paperwork is being actively ignored as we speak. I brought in my own computer and connected to the coffee shop's wireless, so that at least I can entertain myself all day.But sometime in the next week or month, I should finally have access to my computer and be able to begin the actual job they are paying me for: Playing solitaire and facebook stalking. Jokes! But really. I don't know how in the world they justify this as a full-time job. We have 1 or 2 events a month, each of which take about 3-4 hours to organize and create a list of who I am going to boss around and when, and I am to the spend the rest of my time looking productive.
Loving the free pebbled ice that I enjoy (one of the main perks of the job) and rocking the ever flattering AF polo.
 And also looking like a Wal-Mart greeter. I presented a compelling argument to my boss about allowing me to purchase my own khakis (to be read: whined and stomped my feet) and I won the battle handily (to be read: my boss didn't care). But it's still not really an outfit I'm planning on wearing on a date anytime soon.

Speaking of dates! May is making its way to becoming my most favorite month ever. The last 3 Mays of my life have been positively delightful. 2 years ago, on May 10th, I got a call from a cute boy I'd met at church a few times, asking me to go to this big dance with him at the Air Force Academy, I said yes, and asked how tall he was so I would know how high of heels I could wear. When he said he was 5'8'' I immediately mentally categorized him right into the friend zone and bought some flats for the dance. He asked me out for the next Wednesday and I also said yes, because I love free food.

And now for a note from Amy's soapbox. When it is a Sunday, and a person says "next" Wednesday, it should be assumed that they mean the Wednesday that is a week and a half away. Because the Wednesday in 4 days would be called "this" Wednesday. See: Figure 1.
Figure 1
 Am I right, or am I right?

This has a point. When "THIS" Wednesday rolled around, I went for a nice afternoon run. After my run, I met my friends Deelinda and Kara at Chipotle, because the logical thing to do after running 5 miles is to eat a 1,000 calorie burrito. It should be mentioned that I decided against showering, and just went all sweaty, because I am disgusting. It should also be noted that during my summers home from college, I never brought my cell phone anywhere or wore makeup, because I really loved spending the whole summer enjoying the dating practices of a nun. For reals though, I truly looked forward to 4 whole months without having to worry about flirting or giving phone numbers or shaving my legs regularly.

That is beside the point. The point is, there I was, blissfully pounding down my burrito, when Deelinda gets a text from my brother, telling her to tell me to call home ASAP. I call home, and my mom informs me that Cary has called my phone twice and called the house, looking for me to make sure we were still on for our date tonight. Whaaaa?? I told her that she needed to tell him that I can't go, because I just ate a massive burrito and I am in no condition to put on pants that require a zipper and button. But Cary was only in town for a day before he had to head back and wouldn't be back again until Ring Dance. And my mother, being much afeared that I would never be asked a date again in my life, forced me to come home, shower, shove myself into my jeans, and go on the date. Despite my major bloating from the burrito and awkwardness from being me, I thought the date was great. We went go-carting, and the temperatures got a little chilly towards the end, and Cary offered me his jacket over and over. And even though I was freezing, I kept saying no because I was honestly afraid that it would be too small, and that would really be depressing. The date ended with an awkward side hug, as most of my first dates tend to, but I had way more fun than I was anticipating. He was so much fun to talk to. And he was pretty dang cute for an Air Force nerd.

Anywho. This is really long. I apologize. But stay tuned, because a hilarious story is coming!

So. The next week and a half go by, we text and talk a little, and it's ring dance time! I did my hair 3 different times and mentally rehearsed possible conversations starters for our hour and a half drive down to the Academy. He came to pick me up, we took some highly original and not awkward pictures by the stairs and such, and we were on our way. I didn't even have to delve into my conversation starter topics at all and we talked and talked the whole drive there. Horrendous traffic and rain turned our hour and a half drive into 3 hours, but conversation flowed perfectly. And guess what? He talked back! Anyone who has ever met me knows that I could easily fill 3 hours with nonsensical babble without breaking a sweat, but we both contributed to the conversation, and that alone caused me reconsider his placement in the friend zone.
Ring dance started with a dinner and presentation of the class rings to the new Air Force Academy seniors. Right before they started handing out the rings, Cary leaned over and whispered, "There's something I should probably tell you." In my head, I was preparing myself for several possible confessions. I have food in my teeth? I spilled on myself? He's gay? He fumbled with his napkins and soldiered on: "They have a tradition here... For christening the rings." He looked really nervous and uncomfortable and I feared that the christening involved sacrificing a goat or your date or something. I stared at him in anticipation. "See... The date usually takes the ring and drops it into her champagne (sparkling cider) glass. And when she drinks it, she's supposed to catch the ring in her teeth and give it to the cadet... Through a kiss. But you don't have to if you don't want to.... I mean, if you want to... we can... But, um... yeah." All I could respond with was, "Oh!" I was so relieved that no goats or dates would be sacrificed that the reality of this situation didn't really sink in. Our first kiss was going to be around approximately a billion people, and giant metal ring was going to be involved. It really wasn't quite how I pictured it going down. But I still wasn't too concerned. Cary was still fairly solidly planted in the friend zone, and I thought it would just be a cute little story and another tally for the "Boys I've Kissed" list.
The ring, in the bottom of the glass. Cary cracks me up in this picture.
I dropped the ring into my glass and suddenly my hands were sweating and my heart was pounding. What the heck? Why was I nervous about kissing this guy? I was terrified. For several reasons:
1. What if I choke on the ring? I am really not all that coordinated and that would be horrible way to die.
2. What if I kiss him... and it's more than just a funny kiss for tradition? That would really ruin my summer plans of not shaving or showering with regularity.
3. I hate sparkling cider. I have to drink a whole glass? Ugh.

So I drank the sparkling cider, miraculously caught the ring in my teeth, and leaned in to give it to Cary with a kiss. It was awkward, staged, metal-y, and perfect. We laughed and blushed and I immediately knew that this boy was going to be more than a tally.
 It's been 2 years since I kissed that boy, and I never want to stop.


  1. this cracks me up for so many reasons. for example, i also mentally tucked jonathan away in the "just friends" category because he was too short. and i know all too well that fear that his jacket/shoes/etc. will be too small, and then what do you do? i'm so glad you kissed that boy, though. apparently the fact that you are the cousin of my friend's husband was not a strong enough connection...

  2. I amember this. Do you and Cary still use the ring to kiss? kind of like training wheels you know. Hopefully you've graduated from there. Also, your Air Force polo looks snazzy. You look so official. Almost a full half a step up from a Wal-Mart greeter I'd say. But congratulations on your almost anniversary! i'm so happy for you guys. and I cant wait to see you next week!

  3. Why is the idea of Cary telling you he's gay so funny to me?

    Also, I have to give my obligatory reminder that I, as the only Reichman that had actually conversed with Cary at this point (though he doesn't remember our conversation, but that's neither here nor there) was one of Cary's first supporters (if not the first) when you told me about this upcoming date. Plus, just you try to write a longer sentence than that.

  4. All I can say is...I can't wait to see you in a few Wednesdays (and you'll know when that is even though it appears we are the only sane people on the planet that can correctly identify future dates.)

  5. What a perfect post about a really perfect start to a really perfect duo.

  6. "When it is a Sunday, and a person says "next" Wednesday, it should be assumed that they mean the Wednesday that is a week and a half away. Because the Wednesday in 4 days would be called "this" Wednesday." -I get all bent out of shape over this as well. I agree with you 100%. It is a good thing you overlooked this and continued to date Cary. Otherwise you & I would not know each other now :-) Miss you lots friend

    PS Now when I go to Walmart, I will think of you in your AF polo & khakis. I can proudly say I have not been to Walmart since I left the Rio.

  7. Oh man, Amy. I love your thought processes. :)

  8. I am somewhat confused by the absence of Wal-Mart in a post called "Welcome to Wal-Mart"...

  9. Hahahahahaha!!!! That is all.

  10. I agree with you on the whole this/next Wednesday thing.:) You're whole first date/first kiss story is absolutley adorable! I LOVE IT!

  11. ummm how on earth do you have so many people comment on your blogs? holy moly! i'm jealous! and also, i love this story. you're hilarious.