Thursday, January 19, 2012

A day in the life of Abby the Flabby Labby

Sometimes, I get very jealous of my dog. It appears that she lives a life of leisure. Her two biggest worries in life are when we are going on our next run or walk, and if she will ever get that squirrel that lives in the tree in our backyard. But upon closer observation, I have noticed that to Abby, her life is fraught with peril and confusion. Every moment of her life is met with extreme emotions. Going on a walk? Pure elation. Getting her fur brushed? Life is no longer worth living. So, after much consideration, I've decided that I don't actually want to be reincarnated as my dog. The emotional roller coaster of each day would be too exhausting

I'm at work and don't have any pictures of Abby. So, I decided to draw one on Paint. Why yes, it has been a slow day at work, why do you ask?
 A day in the life of Abby

6:30 Time to go on a run! Time to go on a run! Time to go on a run! If we don't leave this very instant I am going to spontaneously combust! Time to go on a run! Stop with the getting dressed and putting shoes on and let's GOOOOO. Maybe if I lick her hands while she ties her shoes, she will finally get out of here. RUN RUN RUN.
6:35 SPRINT. Why are we going so slow? We have places to go and things to sniff!
6:45 RUN RUN RUN We are on a RUN and I'm so FOCUSED. RUN RUN RUN.
6:46 A BUNNY!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH. I love bunnies so much I want to eat them.
7:00 This seems like a great time to go number 2. What? Stop staring at me while I'm doin' my bidness.
7:15 Another dog! I NEED TO SEE THE OTHER DOG. Must. Pull. Harder. Gotta put my shoulders into it. Why isn't she coming? Maybe if I wrap the leash around her legs and trip her she will be easier to drag over to see the other dog.
7:30 Enough of this running business. I'm sitting down. Carry me home. I'm doing my best to look as pathetic as possible.
7:45 Ahhh, time to collapse on the floor from post-run elation and slobber all over the floor.
7:50 Hey, where'd she go? I want to come. There's WATER IN THERE. YESSSS. Maybe if I just stick my giant head under the shower curtain and whine like someone is beating me, she will let me come in there. That's not working. Time to sit on this little rug and not move, even if she is trying to dry off. And try to lick any toes that should appear.
8:00 WHAT IS THAT TERRIBLE SOUND??? The blow dryer is out!! I must retreat behind the bed and shake uncontrollably.
8:15 FOOD FOOD FOOD SHE'S FEEDING ME I'M SO EXICTED I'M SO HUNGRY I'M SO... Oh man, this stuff again? No thanks.
8:25 Where are you going?? Don't leave me! I'm pulling my ears back and making the saddest puppy face I can muster! Pleeeeease stay.
8:26. Look at my precious doggy head poking behind the curtains and staring wistfully at you as you drive away. Why isn't this working? Come baaaaack.
8:27-12:30 Zzzzz. I love sleeping on the guest bed.
12:31 What? I was never on the guest bed! I was here on the floor all along! Someone else must have put that fur there.
12:32 FOOD FOOD FOOD What is she making? I want some, oh how I want some. Please drop some. Please drop some. Maybe if I put my head in her lap and look like I haven't eaten in months, she'll drop some. Suck in that belly. Look emaciated. Look so very sad. She dropped something in her lap! That counts! Time to launch my entire 85 lb body into her lap so I can pounce onto that little morsel of sandwich.
12:40 The food is gone. She is no longer interesting to me. Time to sit on the couch some more.
1:30 Don't leeeeeave meeeeeeee.
1:31-4:29 Zzz. Sleeping on the guest bed is awesome. So is getting socks out from the dirty clothes hamper to snuggle with on the bed. I love smelly things.
4:30 You're HOME! Let's go on another walk. See? I am sitting and whining at my leash so perfectly. Walk? Walk? No? Okay, let's play with my ball! Here, I will even put it in your lap. No? Okay, let's try another one.
4:35 You have my whole ball collection in your lap. Why are we not playing???
4:40 I want out I want out I want out I want out I want out
4:42 I want insiiiiiide. It's so hot/cold/lonely. Let me iiiiiiiin. Stop neglecting me. This is animal abuse. Let me back in pleeeeease.
4:43 I want out I want out I want out
4:44-7:45 Repeat this cycle
7:45 There is a person on the street outside. Why are they not coming inside??? I need to frantically bark at them and run in circles in front of the front door in order to make them come inside and pet me.
8:00 We are sitting inside and no one is playing with me and we are not going on a walk. Perhaps if I sigh and grunt a lot, they will understand my dissatisfaction with this situation. Or maybe they just want me to come sit on the couch with them. I'll bet they wish I'd get my furry bum nestled right in between them. Bombs away, here I come! Isn't this great guys?? We're all on the couch! I'm so excited, I'm going to lick your ears!
9:45 Where is she going? Why is she closing the door? Don't go to the bathroom without meeeeee. I'm in the hallway allllll alone. I need to lay on the floor and stick my paws under the door so she will realize that she deserted me. That's not working. Time for the old standby: Bark and whine my head off like someone is beating me.
10:00 Bedtime! Tonight they will definitely let me sleep in the bed. All I need to do is start with one paw on the bed, then sneak the second one up, and then go for the legs. It will work.
10:01 Awww, man. Didn't work. Tomorrow night, it'll definitely work.
10:02-3:00 Zzzz
3:01-3:30 Oh, boy! 3 a.m.! Time for my nightly lick my paws-grunt-sniff-and-walk-around-while-click-clacking-my-nails-all-over-the-room-session! And stop by the toilet for a nightcap.
3:31-6:00 Zzzz
6:00 Please wake up. Please wake up. Ooo, a hand! I need to lick it. Please wake up. Please wake up. I see toes at the end of the bed. Need to lick them. Please wake up. Please wake up. Would you like me to sniff your face?


  1. The more I look at Maizey (the golden retriever here) and the more I look at and read your stuff about Abby I think they are sisters from the previous life. Or maybe its just all dogs are like that :P

  2. Oh my goodness! This is so funny! I think Sandstorm and Abby have a lot in common. :) Maybe that's why they are such good friends. Ha ha ha!

  3. I know I'm prejudiced, but you are one funny writer, Amy Lynn.