Laboring in love

Love at first sight. That's how a lot of people describe meeting their baby for the first time. It's what I always expected. The thought of meeting my baby and feeling that breath-taking love is what kept me going through some of the less-than-wonderful moments of pregnancy.

After a grueling 2 hours of pushing, they laid Nate on my chest and my husband and the nurses were excitedly celebrating his arrival, asking me if I wanted to nurse. I barely remember mumbling something apparently in the negative and they whisked him away to go clean him up. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt so confused and tired and oddly sad and I just wanted to go to bed. I tried to get a grip and sit up to meet this baby that had consumed my every thought for 9 months. As they placed him in my arms, I kept waiting for that feeling of love and elation to wash over me. But all I felt was tired, and I just wanted this tiny wrinkly stranger to go away for a while so I could go to sleep. My husband and mom gushed over him and I feebly tried to join in, but I just felt so detached and so so tired. The days in the hospital were a blur of trying to nurse and a nonstop flow of people in scrubs coming in to poke and prod my baby and me. I wanted to go home, and I kind of wanted to leave the baby at the hospital and pretend none of this ever happened.

We got home, and the sleeplessness and overwhelmed feeling continued. But even with these confusing emotions swirling in my head, I knew that I would take care of my baby. Even if I didn't feel all that bonded to him, I felt a sense of duty from being his mother, and I wouldn't let anything happen to him. After all, it wasn't his fault that he got a dud of a mom. He deserved someone to take care of him and someone to love him. And I wanted to be that someone. Oh how I wanted it. I would post a picture of him and people would comment about how cute he is and how much they loved him- If they loved him so much, why didn't I? I would look into his curious little eyes and say "I love you" to my tiny baby, but I felt like I was pretending. It felt so forced. I so badly wanted to mean it. It felt more like, "I want to love you. I know I SHOULD love you. I'm trying to love you." Where I expected a roaring flame of all-consuming love for my baby, I found instead a tiny bed of coals. Tiny coals that made me want to take care of him and protect him, even if I didn't find the experience that all enjoyable.

With an unwavering sense of duty to this tiny person I brought into the world, I tended to this little babe. I struggled through nursing because I wanted to give it my all, I spent countless hours rocking and soothing a baby who didn't want to sleep. I knew I was capable of taking care of him, but it felt like such a chore. I started to dread our night time routine. The whole bathing/lotioning/diapering/feeding/rocking felt about as fun to me as a 2 hour root canal. I felt like if someone knocked on my door and said "Hi! I promise to love and care for your baby; can I have him?" I would have shrugged and said, "Sure! He's all yours." But as no one was making the offer, I continued to take care of the many needs of this tiny little person, all day and all night.

What I didn't realize was that every diaper change, every middle of the night feeding, every minute spent rocking and cuddling was stoking the fire. Those little coals were burning and tenderly caring for my baby was slowly adding kindling to my little fire. It took my breath away to realize that where once a few coals burned, a huge fire was roaring inside of me, and I knew I loved my baby more than I had ever loved anything in my life. I would without hesitation give up my time, my money, and my life for him. And I would do it not because I have to, but because I want him to be happy and healthy more than I've ever wanted anything. It didn't happen overnight, and it didn't happen because I sat around and waited to love him. It happened because I just kept working at it. I kept telling him I love him even when it felt forced, I kept bathing him even though it was tedious, and I kept going to him in the middle of the night even though I wanted to put in ear plugs and pretend I was anywhere else.

Last night, I scooped Nate up from his bath, wrapped him in a fluffy towel, gave him a squeeze and soaked in all 16.5 chubby pounds of sweet-smelling, 5 month old perfection. I sang to him as I lotioned him up and gloried in his chunky thighs, his sweet giggle, and the way he smiles so big when his head pops through the onesie as I dress him. I sat in the rocker and melted at the way he touches my face as he eats and the way he nuzzles his head into me when he's ready to go to sleep. I kissed him goodnight, closed the door, and my heart felt like it might burst. I found myself looking forward to our middle of the night feeding because sometimes I miss him when he's sleeping. Tears sprung to my eyes as I realized how much I love that little boy, and how much joy he brings me. Our night time routine is now a highlight of my day. Actually, it's a highlight of my life. I never could have imagined how much happiness a clean and sleepy baby in my arms would bring me. Sure, sometimes I wish he would just stop pooping so I wouldn't have to change diapers, and sometimes I'm slightly less joyful about seeing him when it's the middle of the night. But taking care of my baby now brings me so much joy and fulfillment.  Every single night, I thank God over and over again for blessing me with this little one that lights up my life.

Falling in love is an interesting phrase. It makes it sound effortless- like you trip and suddenly find yourself in love.  And for some, that seems to be the case. A baby is placed in their arms and they are instantly in love. But for me, I find the phrase laboring in love to be much more apt. I quite literally labored for the love that now fills my entire heart and soul. I had to work for it, but it doesn't make that love any less genuine or any less blissful. And for any new mom out there struggling through the newborn haze of sleeplessness and endless feedings, looking at her baby and wondering if it is ever going to be worth it, I want to hug you through the computer screen and tell you YES. Keep kissing those cheeks and wiping that bum. Keep tending those little coals. Pretty soon you're going to be feeling the warmth of a burning fire of love for that baby, and nothing has ever felt better.

4 months in.

My roly poly little bundle of perfection is 4 months old today! I can hardly believe it. It feels like he's been here forever and like I just gave birth to him, all at the same time.

Here's a little bit about our Natey Naterson at 4 months old.

Nathan loves:

1. His hands. Homeboy is obsessed with sucking on his hands and playing with them.

Mmmm hands

2. His mama. This kid is definitely a mama's boy. He likes just about everyone, but always looks for me when I'm talking and loves to nuzzle into me and fall asleep. Lucky for him, I'm pretty fond of cuddling up with him too. 

Best fwiends

3. The car. Nate still loves sleeping in his car seat and is incapable of staying awake in it. It's super nice for now, because I can go on walks and runs and do errands and he just peacefully snoozes away.

4. Bath time. Bath time is a highlight of both of our days. He is so darn cute in there, kicking and splashing. Our whole bedtime routine is a happy time, and snuggling up to my sweet smelling baby in cuddly pajamas afterwards is one of those moments I just want to put in a bottle and keep forever. It is everything I dreamed it would be. 

Just the cutest little nugget

Chubalub

 5. The mirror. That baby in there is just so cute!

6. Tickles and zerbits. Making that cutie pie laugh is MY favorite.

7. Spitting up. I'm not sure how much he likes it, but he sure does it a lot. We do a lot of laundry. And always smell like sour milk.  

8. Everything. Nate is always smiling and playing (unless it's nap time). I read somewhere that babies this age cry an average of 2 total hours per day, and I would be shocked if Nate totaled 15 minutes of crying each day. He is so happy and content, and I just love his guts.

Loving grandma cuddles

 

 

 

 

Reading books with Aunt Jenay and Ellie. Nate loves to be read to!

Enthralled by watching TV. I try to keep the TV off when he's awake because anytime it's on, he is completely fixated.

His hair is growing in blonde, and it is crazy looking!

Nathan does NOT love:

1. Sleeping. I sure wish this would change. We work at this every single day. We have a predictable routine of eat-play-sleep, I lay him down awake and he falls asleep by himself, but he wakes up every single dang nap at exactly 45 minutes. You could set a clock to him. And he absolutely will not go back to sleep no matter what I try, unless I hold him. In my arms, he will sleep for 3 hours. What the heck, baby?? His night sleeping has somewhat improved, in that he wakes up 4 or 5 times usually instead of 15. But sometimes he throws in a 15 wake up night just to keep my on my toes. And once again, I don't feed him to sleep, he goes down to bed awake and falls asleep no problem, and I am completely bamboozled by his sleep dysfunction. But I am apparently learning to function on 5 highly disrupted hours of sleep and usually only have a complete mental breakdown every 2 weeks or so. We'll get through it. And when he's a teenager, I'm going to go into his room at night and cry every 30 minutes for pay back. 

Sleeping in Mom's arms is where it's at for Nate-dizzle

2. Getting his neck blow dried. Due to spitting up all of the darn time, he got a really gnarly yeast rash in his chubby neck folds. We have to blow dry the area after bath time and put some cream on in it, and he haaaaaates it. Sorry, buddy. Stop spitting up and we won't have this problem!

So glad his little neck is better- it looked so painful and sad!

3. When I try to feed him and he's not hungry. Sometimes I try to feed him a little sooner than usual because we're going to church or out somewhere, and he gets soooo mad. It's a little annoying but mostly hilarious to hear him yelling when his mouth is full of boob, haha.

His "not love" list is a short list, because he is just the happiest, most content little man. His default emotion is happy, and it takes a lot of tick him off. I'm just crazy about the little booger.

And here's a little bit about me, at 4 months of being a mom.

I feel like I'm finally coming into my own as a mom. After reading stacks of books and scouring the internet for all baby advice, my internal "mom" compass was spinning wildly and I had no ability to trust myself and my abilities as a mother. I was completely paralyzed by not wanting to do it wrong. I read one book that just really spoke to my type-A neurotic planner self, and I tried to stick to it religiously. I would feed Nate, play for a while, and at the first sign of an eye rub or a fuss, I would do our nap routine and lay him down awake for his nap. He would fall asleep perfectly and then wake up at exactly 45 minutes and I would completely panic. It's only been 2 hours since he's ate, and he's not hungry, so I can't feed him. But the book says not to let them be awake before you feed them because they'll get too tired and you don't want them to fall asleep while eating. But the book also says not to hold them or put them in a swing or give them any other "sleep prop". So what do I do?? It seems so stupid now, but having a baby that wasn't following the "rules" made so panicked and stressed. I felt like I was doing something wrong because my baby was still waking up so much at night and napping like crap, and I resented Nate for foiling all of my efforts to have him on a schedule. As I read yet another baby book, which contained the exact opposite tenants of book #1, but equally as passionate that this was the right way, I realized that there is no "right" way to raise a baby. There are things that work for some people, and tips that can help trouble shoot, but in the end, I'm the one who knows this baby. The people who wrote these books never met Nate, and Nate definitely did not read up on how he is supposed to behave. I was texting a friend about my many insecurities as a mom and countless ways I was royally screwing up, and she told me that Nate was sent to me for a reason, and I am exactly the mom he needs. This made me cry (what doesn't make me cry...) and I have been working on remembering this sentiment when I'm not sure how many more nights of waking up a million times I can handle. I can handle all of them because I was hand selected for the job of loving this sweet baby in the middle of the night, and what a privilege it is to have that job.

In less emotional mom-news, I am going bald. Every time I wash my hair, I pull out giant handfuls of hair. I recently spent $600 on a stroller and I'm still getting sweaty palms just thinking about it. It's the Baby Jogger City Select, and it's pretty groovy. I spent like 4 hours playing with it and putting it in all of the different configurations, and now I have to have second kid someday since I have this radical double stroller. I've gotten pretty good at nursing in public, and nursing in front of my brothers and I've only completely flashed everyone one time. Going out with Nate no longer makes me panic, and in fact I rather enjoy running errands with my little buddy. I'm finally feeling like a real mom, and not like a really extended babysitter. I'm used to carrying a million things every time we go somewhere, I can unfold the stroller without saying too many bad words, and I think I look pretty good with a shoulder perpetually adorned with spit up. Taking care of Nate's basic needs is pretty second nature now, and mom life going pretty smoothly. Just in time for everything to change again. Because as a very wise friend once told me, the best and worst part about motherhood is that everything is a phase. The good stuff and the bad stuff are all temporary so buckle in and enjoy the ride!

Watch Nate grow:

 1 day

 1 month

 2 months

 3 months

4 months


I sure love you, Nate the Great. 

Public Service Announcement

I have learned something about myself in the last almost 2 months. I am not a person who functions well being chronically and acutely sleep deprived. A rough night? Bring it on. 4 weeks of rough nights? Bring on the mental breakdown. Nate is a very terrible sleeper, but much worse than that is what I terrible sleeper I've become. I used to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, and I could sleep through a rock concert performed in my bedroom. Now I toss and turn for hours and wake up to Nate's every sound, and even some imaginary sounds brought on by sleep deprivation-induced hallucinations. It gets a little Inception-y. Sometimes I'll dream that I'm feeding Nate and then I'll wake up and freak out that he's not in my arms and worry I dropped him or shoved him under the covers or something. Yikes. But thanks to some relaxation techniques, a baby who is starting to sleep a liiiiitle better, and a big thank you to modern medicine, and I am sleeping a little better and feeling more like a human every day. We are venturing out a little bit every day and I am enjoying increased interactions with other grown adult human beings.

For the most part. Going out with a newborn inspires people to make all kinds of comments. Some are appreciated, many are not. There are many situations in life where I'm not sure what to say, so I usually make an inappropriate joke and move on. In case someone having a baby causes you to say unfortunate things, I have compiled a helpful list of what not to say to a new mom.

 Things NOT to say to a new mom:
1. "Enjoy it now, because this is the easiest part of having kids! It's only gets harder!"
This one really grinds my gears. If one more person tells me that this is the easiest part of having kids, I am seriously going to lose it. Maybe some people have easy newborns and just love the newborn phase, but others of us have babies that don't sleep at all at night, postpartum anxiety, and just going to the grocery store so you could make this awesome comment has us feeling completely overwhelmed. I have received this comment countless times and I just don't understand this. Why on earth would you tell a clearly exhausted and frazzled new mom that this is as good as it gets? Is your goal to convince this woman that she is never ever going to feel like herself again and her life is in the crapper for good? Are you hoping she will immediately run out and get her tubes tied to prevent this from happening again? The message I am hearing is, "If you can't handle this, you have no hope for the rest of your life, so you'd better give up now because you are terrible at this." This can not possibly be as good as it gets. Even if you truly believe this is a fact, please just lie to me.
2. "You look tired!"
That's strange, I logged a full 3.5 hours last night. I'll try to look perkier next time.
3. "My babies never/always did the opposite of whatever your baby is doing" (Accompanied with a judge-y and condescending "tsk tsk" attitude.)
Your baby never had a pacifier or had medicine or napped in the swing and you always read to your baby for 3 hours a day and wore your baby 24/7and he slept through the night from birth? Aces, friend. Here's a trophy. Me and my medicated baby with a binky are going home so he can nap in the swing. Let me assure you that when we want advice or opinions, we will ask for it. Otherwise, you are safe to assume that we aren't that interested in your opinion on our mothering. And if you comment about my kid's binky again, I'm going to stuff one in your yapper so you'll pipe down.
4. "I am NEVER having kids, it looks miserable."
I have had multiple people say this to me! What are you supposed to say back? "You are so right, I am going to return him immediately!" Instead I want to retort, "Good, the world is better off without you procreating." People also tell me, "I am SO glad I'm done having babies!" Both of these comments just make me sad and make me worry that my life is gonna be garbage for the next 10 years.
5. "Sleep when the baby sleeps!" "Enjoy every moment!" "The laundry can wait!" And other well intentioned, but impractical advice.
Sadly, I can not nap in 20 minute intervals as my little cherub is wont to do. And while I am trying to savor the baby cuddles and smell his sweet baby head as often as possible, I find it hard to enjoy the rivers of spit up and diaper blow outs and least of all clipping his $!@% fingernails. (WHY is that so hard??) And yes, the laundry can wait for a bit, but one can only wear a soggy nursing bra for so long. This advice comes from a sweet place, so it likely won't be met with physical aggression or crying, but I could still do with hearing it less.
6. "What's wrong with your baby?"
I have heard this in a few different contexts, and none of them were appreciated. One time, someone was commenting about Nate's unfortunate but short-lasting baby acne. Another time we were waiting at the pharmacy for an eternity and Nate was crying. Yet another time, Nate had just spit up and the person was completely shocked by this behavior. New moms are incredibly self conscious and insecure. Any critique or insinuation that something is wrong with our baby is not helpful and just makes us feel like the world's crappiest mom. Unless you are a pediatrician, keep your wonderings to yourself.



If you've made these comments to a new mom recently, don't sweat it too much. We all say dumb stuff unintentionally sometimes. Like the time that I told my father-in-law that I thought men's wedding rings with diamonds in them were for white trash and members of the mob, and he held up his wedding ring with diamonds in it. Whoops. So in case you read that list and are now wondering what on earth your options are to say to a new mom, I have taken the liberty to assemble a list of appropriate comments. Stick to this list, and your risk of getting a pacifier stuffed in your pie hole are greatly reduced.
1. "You are doing great! You are a wonderful mom and your baby loves you."
2. "Your baby is adorable and perfect."
3. "You look super skinny and definitely don't look like you had a baby ____ weeks/months ago."
4. "You are a natural mama! Trust your instricts!"
5. "I can't tell at all that you haven't showered in 3 days! You smell great!"
6. "Being a mom will make you so happy. So will going to get a pedicure and going to lunch and eating with both hands while I watch your baby for 4 hours."

Aaaaand some Nate pictures just to wrap this up in a precious fashion:

 Such a big boy in his new chair!

So happy to be sitting up and taking in the world!

 

Nate weighs over 12 lbs at his last doctor appointment! The little chunk. He got his 2 month shots which broke my little heart, but he was a champ. And his little chunky thighs got Taz bandaids, which made me smile. My nickname was Taz growing up, because I was a little bit of a tornado child, and I have a feeling I've got a little Taz 2.0 on my hands.

Tummy time tuckers him out.

This goofball is always falling asleep in odd places. Love my little Naters!

Reeves Go Road Trippin'

Sometimes when I have a ton of stuff I really need to get done, I get really overwhelmed and instead of doing those important things, I get distracted and do a bunch of things that don't particularly need doing. For example, right now I have approximately 439 errands to run, my house is a disaster, we have zero clean spoons in the house, and my baby is currently napping. So, logically I decided I should use this time to blog. In my defense, I never know if this kid is going to nap for 20 minutes or 3 hours, and I hate getting all invested in a project only to have my little cherub interrupt me and demand I feed him. Babies, man!

We got back yesterday afternoon from a wonderful trip to Utah to see both our families. I am already learning that once you have kids, you no longer go on "vacation", you go on "trips". It wasn't very relaxing and I rarely slept more than 5-6 hours a night, but it was so worth it to see our amazing families. The drive was perfect. It's a 10 hour drive, and Nate slept the entire time both ways. That is like the most he has slept since he entered this world. I am considering just asking someone to drive Nate and me around all night and I will lay in the back and sleep since apparently sleeping in the car is Nate's jam.

Anywho. We pulled into Logan on Saturday, played with the Reeves, and blessed baby Nathan on Sunday afternoon. It was such a perfect blessing. Cary blessed him that he would always have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ, that he would be smart and eager to learn, and that he would be a blessing to those around him with his light. It was a beautiful blessing and we were so happy we were able to bless him surrounded by so much family. Nathan was blessed in the arms of both of his grandpas and many of his uncles, and it was a sweet and tender day for our little babe.

With all of family that made it to the blessing

The Reeves (minus the little kids who went MIA for pictures)

Love those Reichmans! Thanks for driving out to be with us!

The men who helped bless Nate. What a lucky baby to have such great role models!

After the blessing, we took off for Snowbird! My only complaint about our time in Snowbird is that it was entirely too short!! And it is so dry up there that my poor baby got all congested and sounded like a sad little bulldog. Snowbird was full of eating, skiing, hot tubbing, games, and the general merriment of Christmas. There is nothing I love more than spending time with my family, and poor Cary always has to deal with a blubbering mess every time we leave them. On Christmas Eve, we read the Christmas story and sang Christmas songs, which is always one of my favorite parts of Christmas. Having a newborn baby boy at Christmas time has been so special. Whenever I look at my tiny little boy, I can't imagine how Mary felt. We are all dependent on Christ, and yet for a short time, He was dependent on her. The Savior of the world laid in her arms as a tiny little boy, and holding my own little boy really made the reality of His birth and His life sink in.

Cary was so excited to get Nate his very own Hobbes. It was pretty stinkin cute.

"We are going to be best friends, and I am going to eat your snout."

Grandma life is tough. 

Hanging out with gramps. Nate looks so much like my dad to me sometimes. I love it!

One of the best parts about having a baby is making them look ridiculous and laughing at them. 

I just can't resist the napping pictures. Those cuties.

Ahhhh, skiing was divine. It was a fantastic break from taking care of my babe, and being in the mountains just soothes my soul. 

We got Ryan this incredible beard balaclava for Christmas, and I was pretty proud of that excellent find. 

Nate got to meet Aunt Katie!! Snow was threatening to keep them from Snowbird, and I'm SO glad they got up there and we got to say a quick hello! Love my seester!!

Christmas morning cuties.

Sleepy Christmas morning family

Modeling my Christmas presents. Santa was digging the color purple this year, with my purple shirt, purple jacket, and purples sunnies. 

He was just killing me in his Christmas jammies!

Merry Christmas from the Reeves!

Oh that sweet little babe...

Matching Reich-women in our Christmas jackets!

Christmas day was filled with presents, delicious food, and seeing both of our families. We drove through a snowstorm to Logan, and it took an eternity, but Nate was a champ and slept the entire time once again. That kid is powerless to the hum of the engine and zonks out whenever we're in the car. I am serious about hiring someone to drive us around all night. It sounds like my only shot at ever sleeping through the night again. Any takers? Once we got into Logan safe and sound, we had a few fantastic days with all of the Reeves- the first time in ages we have all been together and the last time for a couple of years most likely! We played tons of awesome games, spent lots of time chatting and catching up, and just enjoyed all being under the same roof! Nate got to meet his cousin Matthew, who is 6 days older than him. It was so fun seeing our babies together and swapping mom stories with Sarah. When I met Sarah, I never could have predicted that our conversations would involve so much poop and nipple talk.

Meeting great grandma Peggy!

Nate has started smiling, but ceases immediately upon sight of the camera. So like his daddy already...

Oh goodness, I want to go outside in cold weather all of the time just so Nate can wear his fluffy suit!

Nathan and Matthew! These two are going to be the best of friends. And the two of them in their fuzzy outfits was just the cutest.

Happy Birthday to Cary! Nate is a little too young to help you with those legos right now... 

We were originally supposed to drive home on Sunday, but it was dumping snow along our entire route, so we opted to stay another day which I was super stoked about. We had a little mini birthday celebration for Cary with his family before we left, since we would be spending Cary's birthday driving home. We drove home on Monday and the weather was mostly fine, and once again Nate zonked out the whole drive. It was actually a really nice day- with our baby snoozing in the back, Cary and I were able to talk the entire drive and it was so great to be able to spend time with my hubby and reconnect. It was the most time we've been able to spend together uninterrupted since Nate was born! Thanks for sleeping the whole time, Nate! Baby of the year! He made up for his good behavior on the drive by barfing all over himself, me and my new Christmas jacket and the couch immediately upon arrival. We ate Cafe Rio for Cary's birthday dinner and in a true miracle, all of us were asleep by 9:30! And Nate slept 5.5 hours and I was one happy girl. Let's not talk about the second half of the night, because it would ruin the beautiful memories of being in my bed uninterrupted for that glorious stretch. And let's also not mention that I spent half of that time staring at the ceiling because my body thinks it's super fun to not sleep even when I'm so exhausted.

I think things are starting to look up for me and Mr. Nathaniel. For someone who knows what they are doing, Nate would probably not be that difficult of a baby. But man is he giving me a run for my money! He is doing loads better since we started him on some medication for reflux. Poor little man was puking nonstop, and crying every time he would spit up. He spent all night grunting and coughing and gagging, and was just generally uncomfortable all of the time. He is pretty long suffering about the ordeal, and doesn't usually cry much, but he is fairly restless and fussy, especially in the evenings and during the night. All of this made for one exhausted Amy. There was a spell there where I was sleeping maybe 4 hours a night and I was slowly coming unraveled. I took Nate to the pediatrician because I was at my wits end. Our pediatrician is in our ward and is a good friend, and she walked into the room and asked how I was doing, and I immediately dissolved into tears and whimpered, "Not good!". She let me cry in her office for a while and gave him some medication that seems to be helping a lot. And before you judge me for medicating my 7 week old baby, let me assure you that I've tried feeding him for less time and more often, burping him constantly, he sleeps on an incline, I hold him upright after feedings, and nothing was helping my sad baby. And if you tell me about an essential oil that would cure him, I will tell you somewhere you can feel free to stick that bottle of essential oils and it will not be comfortable. I told someone recently that we had Nate on reflux medication and they acted like I was giving him rat poison. Judge me after you haven't slept more than 2 hours straight in a month!

Being a mom makes me feel slightly bipolar- sometimes I am so completely in love and obsessed with our little guy that my heart feels like it could burst. Other times this feels like a terrible babysitting gig that will never end and I just want the real mom to come home so I can go back to my regular life. But I feel like things are slowly evening out and I am getting more used to having a tiny human around all of the time. I was supposed to have a week of clients the week before we left for our vacation, but that happened to coincide with the peak of crying and unhappiness, both from me and Nate, and I was really on the verge of seriously losing it. I texted one of my clients to tell her I wasn't sure I would be up to doing her hair, and she texted me back saying that my only job right now is to take care of my sweet baby and take care of myself, and nothing else matters. For some reason that text meant so much to me, and I felt so validated and liberated. I have felt a lot of pressure, probably mostly from myself, to be back to regular life- busy running errands, taking care of the house, working out, doing hair, and having a baby who naps at predictable times. I have felt so frustrated with myself and with Nate that just keeping my head above water has been such a struggle. But having someone else tell me it's okay to just snuggle my baby on the couch and let everything else fall to the side for now meant so much to me, and I'm taking her advice. So the dishes are still in the sink, the laundry still needs to be folded, but my baby is smiling at me today and I'm happy, and that means I'm doing everything right.

Baby overalls make it all worth it.

Tummy time is so tiring. I sure love that little guy.

One Month of Being Nate's Mama

I've been Nate's mom for one month! By the way, we call him Nathaniel, Nathan, Nate, bub, cutie pie, little stinker, handsome face, buddy boy, little man, and many other ridiculous nicknames, and you can also feel free to call him whatever strikes your fancy. Well, not whatever. Don't call him a butthead or a girl's name. Anywho. While I was pregnant, I read pretty much everything ever written on the internet about having a newborn; what to expect, sleeping strategies, feeding tips, etc. But there really is no way to prepare for what it's going to be like to have this tiny new human come live at your house and reply completely on you to meet his every need and soil every item in your house with various bodily fluids. But seeing as I'm now a seasoned expert at this mom gig (haha), I think I owe it to the internet to write one more post about what life is like when you have a brand spankin' new baby. The good, the bad, and the weird.

The good:

1. Having a baby that wants ME. I have spent a lot of time in my life trying to soothe babies who quite obviously want nothing to do with me. I'd be holding them and frantically trying to rock and bounce and soothe just right, and they'd be crying and staring at me with a look that clearly says, "Give me to someone who knows what they're doing; I hate your guts." I still have no idea what I'm doing, but as soon as Nate is in my arms, he instantly relaxes and looks so at home. It is more magical than I ever imagined. I thought it would be extremely draining being the one that the baby wants, and it is sometimes, but mostly it is a humbling and tender privilege to be that sweet baby's mama.

My little buddy.

2. A freshly bathed baby in pajamas. After our evening ritual of bath and lotion, I just sit and snuggle my babe and smell his intoxicating little baby head and fall in love all over again.

Homeboy loves his baths. He gets so zen.

3. Watching Cary be a dad. Oh be still my heart. I knew he would be the best dad ever. And he is so stinkin' tender to both Nate and me. I know having a baby will change our marriage, and it definitely gives us less time for each other, but so far it's just made me even crazier about that man. He was born to be a dad. When Cary holds Nate, Nate just stares at him, completely captivated. I stepped out of the shower one time to see Cary holding Nate in bed, reading his book aloud to Nate, and my heart was a puddle. Nate probably will be scarred for life from Cary reading "World War Z" out loud to him, but it was cute anyway.

I mean, really. Just the cutest duo I ever did see.

 4. Breastfeeding. I always thought I would hate it. And it was definitely a love-hate relationship in the awkward and painful learning stages. But now that we've mostly got the hang out of it, I just love feeding my baby with food my body makes specially designed for him. Breastfeeding used to weird me out so bad, and now it feels like the most natural thing I could do. Not everyone can breastfeed, and absolutely no judgment for however you feed your baby, but I am grateful that it's working for us, and grateful for those sweet moments. Pumping is still freakin' weird and I feel like a dairy cow. But being able to toss Cary the baby in the middle of the night and tell him to give Nate a bottle makes it oh so worth it.
5. I am actually loving this period of hunkering down and staying home and getting to know our baby. We venture out to the store or out to lunch every now and then, but mostly we stay home. I cuddle my baby, try to get things done around the house (which does take considerably more time than it used to), we go on walks when the weather is okay, and watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix. I only get to have my first baby once. Next time we have a baby, I will most likely be chasing around a toddler, and I won't have the luxury of staying home and taking it easy. So I am just savoring these days of just me and my little guy, and we both love it when daddy comes home. Also, I'm a total germaphobe and won't let anyone touch him, so laying low is good for everyone at this point.

 The bad:
1. The sleep deprivation. Oh sweet mercy. I knew I would be sleep deprived as a new mom, but I could not comprehend the depth of tiredness. Nate is such a sweet and alert baby, and unfortunately he thinks night time is the time to hang out and NOT sleep. He's slowly improving, but there was a solid week and a half or so where I could not get the stinker to sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning, unless he was in my arms. Woof. I also did not expect how much sleep deprivation would effect me. Postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation are one potent cocktail for going absolutely bonkers. I come completely emotionally unhinged when I'm severely sleep deprived. I cry over everything, feel detached from my baby, hate my husband, and get insanely anxious when I'm running on 3 hours of sleep. When I'm the throes of a crazy person meltdown, I absolutely can not find perspective. I am just convinced that I am going to hate my life forever and Nate is never going to sleep and life is ruined. Usually it takes Cary sending me to our room to sleep for me to snap out of it. And it's really amazing how restorative just a couple of hours of sleep can be for my psyche. I'm learning to hand the reigns over to Cary when I'm on the verge of a complete meltdown, and Nate is slowly learning to sleep better, so hopefully we'll figure this out and I won't have to run away to Vegas to become a showgirl after all.

Nice bed head, Nate! At least one of us around here is spending enough time asleep to get bed head...

2. The spit up. Nate is a very odd spitter-upper. He never spits up with any discernible pattern, and he doesn't often spit up in massive quantities, but every now and then he'll really spew. Usually right after we are both freshly dressed in clean clothes. He seems entirely un-phased by the events, so I'm sure he's just fine, but it's still gross.
3. The constant worry. Oh goodness, the worry. That baby can't so much as sneeze without me freaking out and googling his every symptom. The internet is so helpful and so awful when you are a new mama. I am really grateful for some awesome and helpful information I've found on the internet, but I have found about 500% more horrible advice and opinions. I'm slowly (very slowly) learning to trust my mama intuition and brush off the things I read that tell me that if my baby ever sleeps in his swing, he will never sleep through the night and probably will never get into college and it will be all my fault for not having the discipline to teach him from day 1 to sleep in his crib. Or conversely, if I don't hold my baby at every moment and feed him every time he makes a sound, he will never bond to me and will most likely end up in jail. People be trippin'.

He is obviously quite stressed too.

4. I hate changing diapers. A month in, and I still hate it. I thought I'd get used to it, and I sort of am used to it, but it's still the worst.
5. I also hate putting onesies on him. I feel like getting his giant head through that tiny neck hole must remind him of the trauma of birth.

Just chatting with Abby.

 The weird:
1. Smelling so bad. All of the time. I constantly smell like sour milk, spit up, and B.O. I had (still sometimes have) absolutely awful post-partum night sweats. Combined with leaky boobs and a baby that consistently leaks from both ends, and I actually shower more now that I have a baby than I did pre-baby. One night, Cary snuggled up all close to me and whispered tenderly in my ear, "Let me watch the baby while you take a shower. You smell really bad." It was really romantic.

Touchdown.

2. Baby acne and postpartum acne. Nate and I could be on a mother-son Proactive commercial. People of Proactive, let me know if you want to get on that opportunity. It could be really darling.
3. Can we please just talk about how foreign your body feels after you have a baby? The belly you have been cultivating for 9 months is suddenly gone, but leaves behind some saggy skin and stretch marks. Your boobs are all kinds of out of whack and leaking and weird and often two completely different sizes. And as this is a family blog we aren't even going to mention your unmentionables. It is a war zone. Everything just feels a little out of sorts after birthing a tiny human.
4. Umbilical cords and circumcisions. So much weirdness.

"Well what did you expect Mom? All of this used to be inside of you and now it's outside. It's bound to be traumatic."

 5. It's still just really weird that an actual baby lives at my house. It's weird to write "diapers" on my shopping list. It's weird to carry a car seat out to the car. It's weird to have baby paraphernalia covering every surface of my house. It's awesome, but it's weird.

Cary brought him back from getting dressed after a bath with his first little faux hawk. We love messing with his hair and laughing at the ridiculous faces this baby makes. We should probably just start saving already for this child's therapy.

 What a month it's been. Not to be too cliche, but it's been the best of times and the worst of times. So much love and so much worry. So much happiness and so much stress. It feels like he was born yesterday and like he's always been here.

What a ride, Nathaniel Cary! We are so excited to watch you grow. Just don't grow too fast. I've started putting away newborn clothes you've outgrown, and it hurts my heart just a little bit. Even when you are keeping me up at all hours of the night or spitting up directly down my cleavage, I feel so blessed that your sweet little spirit joined our family. Looking into your bright eyes feels like peeking straight into heaven. We love you to pieces, baby Nate.