Post Christmas Blues

We're home from our Christmas trip to Texas with the Reeves, Cary's back at work, Nate and I both have lame colds, and we've got ourselves a little case of the post-Christmas blues! The best cure I know of for the ol' PCB is to spend a day watching movies, eating treats, and reliving highlights of my favorite time of the year. So let's dive in, shall we?

We started off our Christmas season by going to a walk through Bethlehem put on by the Seventh Day Adventist church in our area. It was really awesome and such a great way to start off the Christmas season! Seeing the Christmas story brought to life was really cool, and I am forever grateful for that little baby born in a stable. 

Nate got this little truck from Grandma for Christmas and he is OBSESSED. He spends hours climbing all over that thing. When we got home from Texas, he literally squealed in excitement when we walked in the door and ran right over to his truck and clambered in. He kills me! 

Nothing I love more than finding this little babykins buried in books! It makes my little mama heart burst. 

Christmas magic, decorating the tree! Seeing the magic of Christmas in Nate's big brown eyes is just the best. He loved all of the lights and found a new purpose for his life- running away with an ornament. I'm going to miss our tree when we take it down at the end of this week, but I have to be honest and say I will not miss running constant tree interference. 

We went to see a cool light show that a family in our neighborhood does, and Nate was mesmerized! 

My poor sick little dude. We survived our first round of the stomach flu. Fun fact about me: I am TERRIFIED of throw up. Afraid of anyone around me throwing up, and straight up terrified of throwing up myself. But luckily, mom-instinct kicked in and I was able to take care of my miserable little baby and only had half of a panic attack. Phew. And Cary won husband and dad of the year that night, because he took care of all of the nasty laundry and cleaning while I covered myself in every towel in the house and held Nate. Woof. 

Finger puppet nipple clamps! HA. A great blackmail picture for when he's grown up. 

Target buddies! We ended up getting this little shopping cart for Nate because I just couldn't stand how cute it is! 

I took my favorite nerd to go see Star Wars! He looooves taking selfies. I thought the movie was entertaining, Cary was very troubled by its lack of respect for the expanded Star Wars universe. He tried to talk to me about it but ohmygosh, so bored. 

Traveling to Texas time! We spent the week of Christmas in Texas with Cary's family. The journey from Spokane to Dallas was long and obnoxious, but it was worth it to be there. We went on 4 airplanes, Nate pooped on every single one, and Cary changed every single diaper. Husband of the year, yet again. Both days involved 2 over 2 hour flights and a 3 hour layover each time, and Nate slept approximately 20 minutes of both days. Yikes. But thanks to the good folks at the USO, we survived! The USO is seriously the business, guys. Drinks, food, space for energetic little legs to run around- we may not have survived without it. Also, on our last flight, I had a movie playing on my iPad, which entertained Nate for about 10 minutes. After we landed, the lady in the row next to me said, "I can't believe you let him watch movies at such a young age." How does one even respond to that? "Yup, I sure do! I let him smoke cigarettes too!"

A bunch of cuties all cuddled up for a Christmas movie! Nate made himself right at home with the Reeves. As I peruse all of the pictures from Christmas, I am realizing that 99% them are of Nate. Whoops. Everyone else was there too, and they were all delightful! 

Climbing on frogs with Dad at the Perot Museum! I missed the snow and skiing like crazy, but we did enjoy having some nice weather while we were in Texas! It felt so un-Christmassy to be in short sleeves, but I tried to enjoy it anyway. 

The Perot Museum had a kid's place and Nate had died and gone to heaven at this water table! He played there for ages. And every time we picked him up and went somewhere else, he turned around and beelined to go back to the water. He was soaking wet by the end. It made me laugh, because when I was a kid, I was a water magnet. I remember going places and finding a stream or a fountain or anywhere with water and my mom saying "DO NOT GET WET" and I would inevitably end up soaking wet. I guess he comes by it naturally! 

Behind bars with his cousin Matthew, who is one week older than him! These two were pretty funny together! Nate is a little bit timid, and hasn't spent a lot of time with babies older than him, and Matthew has an older sister, so he is a little bit more rough and tumble. It was a little funny watching Nate try to play with him while also a little bit scared of him! Funny cousins. 

"Share a Diet Coke with Someone Naughty." Don't mind if I do!

We went to the ice exhibit at the Gaylord Texan Hotel! The ice exhibit was awesome, and it was 10 degrees inside, which the girl in line front of me told me no less than 20 times. The whole resort was so cool, and we loved walking around and looking at everything and eating lunch at a restaurant inside the hotel, with a little riverwalk and everything!

This picture deserves an explanation- They day before we went to the ice exhibit at the Gaylord Texan, Cary's dad hurt his ankle, so he was in a wheelchair for the exhibit. We all went to ride down the ice slide they had the exhibit, and Grandpa held Nate. I returned to this pathetic looking duo and couldn't resist snapping a picture of this sad looking old man holding a sad looking baby! But in real life, they were happy as clams. 

Walking through ice tunnels and looking adorably like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. "I can't put my arms down!"

A terrible picture of my boys in front of some of the ice sculptures. I have a knack for making things that were really cool in person look absolutely terrible in pictures. 

We celebrated the Care Bear's birthday a little bit early with some Cheesecake Factory cheesecake! He was thrilled, despite photo evidence to the contrary. Happy Birthday, old man!

More cousins getting into mischief! 

We made gingerbread houses! I wish I'd taken a picture of the everyone's end result, because people really brought their A-game to this occasion! 

Christmas day! Nate was a little under the weather for Christmas, and wasn't all that enthused by the idea of opening presents, but he was super stoked when he saw some dum-dums in his stocking!

This about sums up Nate's feelings on being awake that morning. 

But he perked up a little later in the day!

Just can't get enough of that little plaid bum running away! Also, Nate went from taking 2 steps to full on walking in one day and has never looked back! He walks everywhere, and his little wobbly walk just kills me! Slow down, baby!

A very rare sighting of a sleeping Nate on a plane. This picture would be a lot cuter if it hadn't taken place about 5 minutes before we landed. Homeboy was ticked when he was abruptly woken up by the plane landing. Most of the Reeves caught a pretty nasty cold while were all together, and Nate and I fell victim right before we left, so it was a bit of a long travel day, especially for Cary who had to deal with our cranky selves all day! 

  We made it home at about 6:00 p.m. from our long day of traveling, and I left to go pick up Abby from the dog sitter's and get some groceries for our empty fridge. I came home to Nate happily asleep in bed, all of our suitcases completely unpacked, laundry started, and the all of Christmas presents we had left at home arranged under the Christmas tree! I was so surprised and so grateful for that sweet hubs of mine! 

This fuzzy head woke up every hour that night and woke for the day at 4 a.m., which I really could have done without, but he was much more excited about Christmas presents this go around! And that little chair is just the cutest! 

This is an absolutely horrendous picture of me and demonstrates how little sleep I got the night before, but it must be documented that Cary absolutely knocked it out of the park for Christmas gifts this year! He got me all of the equipment I need to start recording some music! Software, cables, a mic, etc! So get ready, people! Sweet jamz coming your way once I get over this stinkin cold. 

"Let me see that blue car go down the ramp again." This picture cracks me up, King Nate sitting on his throne and watching Dad entertain him, while Abby looks on. 

All of our phat loot from our stockings. I have to eat all of this before the New Year. That's what making a resolution to eat healthier is all about, right? 

Aside from being sick for what has felt like most of December, this holiday season has been a lovely one. And we are still looking forward to Cary's birthday, and New Years! We're planning on getting pretty wild for New Years this year. And by wild I mean playing mario kart, drinking sparkling cider, and going to bed by 10:30 p.m. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

Bloggin's a habit

The other day, while procrastinating doing anything productive with nap time, while taking some well planned time for self-reflection, I re-read most of my old blog entries. It was so fun, and a little weird, reading about all of the crazy shenanigans I've been up to for the last 5 and a half years. (And by crazy shenanigans I mostly been procrastinating, goofing around, and quitting and becoming re-addicted to Diet Coke in 5 different states and various different jobs.) It made me sad that I've dropped the ball in such a major way in the blogging game. Blogging really does serve as a journal of sorts, and I want to record how life is right now. Blogging has a way of helping me see all of the good stuff that's going on, and helping me laugh at some of the not-as-rosy parts.

If you are wondering why write in a public blog when I could write in a private journal, I would first ask why you why you even clicked this link if you don't like snooping through people's lives? Reading blogs is my favorite, and I wish everyone kept a blog. And none of this vague "November was a rough month" stuff, I want details, man! I'm nosy, alright?? And secondly, I have a regular journal I occasionally write in, but journal writing just isn't my gig, for several reasons:
1. My handwriting has rapidly declined since college.
2. I can only write about half of a page before my hand starts cramping.
3. I apparently only feel motivated to write in my journal when I'm feeling very emotional and hormonal. All of my journal entries from the past 10 years sound mostly like this "No one likes me and I'm so bad at life and I'm fat and what am I doing with my life and everything is haaaaard, wah wah wah." I am slightly less likely fall into such hysterics when on a public forum.

To sum up: I'm back to blogging, baby.

Let's just start with the here and now, shall we?

For a weird change of pace, all 3 members of the Reeves family (plus Abby) are currently all residing in our house in Spokane! I've kind of forgotten what it's like to do the normal day-to-day stuff and have my husband go to work in the morning and come home in the evening. Sometimes I'll be juggling Nate and the diaper bag and carrying a million other things and Cary is like, "uh... Can I carry some of that for you??" And I'm like "Oh yeah! I don't have to do carry everything by myself all the time! Yessss." But, alas, I'd better keep my carrying-all-of-the-things arms in shape. Ugh everyone needs to stop fighting and trying to kill each other so my husband can stop being gone all of the time! Well and also because world peace and stuff. Anywho, for the time being, we are loving being a happy little family in our happy little house for a little while. Nate and I had a most excellent real-life sabbatical in Colorado for part of the time that Cary was away, but we're pretty fond of our gig out here in Spokane too. Aaaaand here comes some random pictures that haven't previously found their way on to the world wide web.

Oh Abby... you're the only one who gets me. 

I just love that sleeping baby. 

Just doing the gangsta lean at our happy place: Target

Reading a book with Grandpa!

Such a big boy!

This is how the cool kids drink their milk.

Looking out the window is a favorite past time around here. Mostly in hopes that I will stop paying attention long enough for him to take a splash bath in the dog water. 

So serious in his little baby couch! 

I post eleventy-billion pictures of my darling Nater-tot on instagram and what not, but I don't write much about who this little guy is. And I want to remember everything about my sweet little friend as he is right now, at almost 13 months old.

Nate is just pure sunshine. He brings so much joy and happiness and laughter to my life. He is so curious and so busy, but it just delights me. Of course he spends his days emptying my drawers, eating every crumb and clump of dog fur on the floor, and just generally getting into mischief, but he's one! That's just kind of the deal with one year olds! I read this article recently that was just endlessly bemoaning the many difficulties of having a one year old in the house and it just bummed me out. Yes, doing anything with Nate around takes about 3 times as long as it would if I were alone, but I am so lucky to have this little friend to distract me! If all you see is the tipped over trash can, hair shellacked with banana goop, and sticky finger prints on the windows, you are missing the good parts of having a tiny person live in your house! I see a little dude persistently trying to learn a new skill and being so thrilled when he figures it out, chubby fingers exploring what bananas feel like between them (and what they feel like in his hair, on his arms, and between his toes??) and it's just awesome. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I just want to unload the dang dishwasher and I feel like the wonder of crawling into the dishwasher has got to wear off someday and yet it does not, but at the end of the day, all of the busy-ness and messyness is so worth the fun. It is such a treat to have a front row seat to watching my baby boy explore the world. I love introducing him to new foods, sights, and experiences. The world is so big and exciting to this little guy, and it is incredible to see it all again through his big brown eyes.

Emptying all of the clothes from my drawers is another favorite hobby of Nate's.

As in playing the piano. I love this picture.

Silly baby!

Opening a package with dad!

Nate LOVED grandma's snack drawer, and I loved that he didn't know how to open the bounty of snacks within. 

My baby boy is growing up and learning more every single day. Nate says "mama" "dog-dog" "da-da" "ah-dah (all done)"and "ay-yo" (hello, my favorite!!). Recently, whenever someone says hi to him, he puts his hand up to his ear. I could not figure out what he was doing, until one day someone called my phone and I answered and said "hello?" and Nate immediately stuck his hand up to his ear like he was on the phone. I just think that is about the cutest thing in the world. If you hand him any object that is even remotely phone-shaped, he will immediately hold it up to his ear and say "ay-yo?" Goodness, it is just way too cute. Nate also enjoys communicating by clicking his tongue, blowing raspberries, and doing the bbbb-thing with his finger and lips. He also LOVES giving big, open mouth kisses. Oh be still my heart. He will often crawl into my lap, grab my face, and plant a big wet one right on my entire nose/mouth/chin area. It is so gross and SO cute.

Nate is in zero hurry to start walking. He can take about 3 steps, but will only do so if he's already standing and can walk a couple of steps to mom or dad. He crawls like a maniac and dang is he speedy! He can go up and down the stairs, both fairly terrifyingly. Nate absolutely loves to read books, but will not hesitate to tell you that you are reading far too slow for his taste and will flip the pages whenever he feels ready. He has his 2 bottom teeth and one canine tooth, with his other canine tooth and one bottom molar just about poke through; a very odd assortment of teeth.

Finally got this big guy a new car seat! 

I know I already posted this on facebook... but Nate in that hat is just way too cute. Just ignore Cary's creeper-stache. 

Waiting in line for the Journey to Bethlehem put on by the Seventh Day Adventists in our area. It was freezing cold and we waited for 2 hours, but it was such a great start to our Christmas season. 

My mom got Nate this little truck for his birthday and Nate LOVES it. 

I mean, seriously LOVES it. 

Cary and I are basically just trying to hang on through this insane ride we are currently on, courtesy of the Air Force. Cary spent less than 4 months in his own bed this year, and next year is very sadly going to be off to a very similar start. Cary and Nate try to cram in all of the fun they can have into the very short time we all have together, and those two are just the cutest and funniest little duo. I keep trying to wrap this up in a tidy package but it all sounds super cheesy so I'll end with this:

Life is weird and hard lots of times, but mostly it's really good.

Snapshot

I never want to forget Nate at this age. His chubby little fists and triumphant smile when he figures something out, the way he kicks and squeals and smiles so big when I come get him out of his crib- this is the good stuff, man. So mostly for me, here is a snapshot of what Nate is like at 7 months.

Things Nate Loves

•Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? Easily his favorite book. Must be the colors. 

Cary hates this book because cats are not purple and horses are not blue.

•Jumping in the bouncer. Funniest little guy, jumping so enthusiastically in this thing! He usually lasts a good half hour in there while I work out in the morning. It's a lifesaver.

Looking cute and hilarious in his sun hat.

Work out buddy

•EATING. Especially eating what Mom and Dad are eating. This kid is like a little golden retriever and will eat until he pukes. Gross.

Triumphantly stuffing some cantaloupe in his mouth that he snagged from Mom.  

Gimme dat. 

•Sitting up. He looks so old and so proud of himself, sitting there playing with his toys!

I mean, seriously? How is he so cute?

•Playing with Dad. The best of friends.

My heart. 

•Walks. That crazy expensive stroller was so worth it, because Nate looks so comfy and happy and loves to be strolled around.

This is his cousin's doll stroller, and when Nate was being outrageously cranky, being pushed around in this thing cheered him right up. Goofy baby. 

How Nate enjoys many of our strolls. Looks delightful. 

•ABBY. Nate is the laziest baby on earth, but the promise of grabbing a fistful of Abby hair and stuffing it in his mouth will get this baby to scoot when nothing else will. This boy is seriously so lazy. He finally rolls both ways, but doesn't usually feel particularly compelled to do so. He has never attempted crawling or pulling to stand, but I'm not in any hurry for him to be mobile. He can stay contentedly sitting on his blanket for a looooong time. 

Such cute friends. Abby is especially fond of Nate when he is eating/feeding her. 

•Grabbing everything. Hair, napkins, forks, phones, everything- if it's grab-able, he's grabbing it. And it's going straight for the mouth.

Silly baby. 

•Glow rattle. Grandma got him this little glowing rattle and Nate LOVES it. Most of his toys aren't that exciting to him, but if someone snags his glow rattle from him, he loses his mind.

•Face-timing with family. Not sure if he just likes looking at his own cute face, but he loves it anyway.

•Dog book. Other favorite book. It has lots of things to touch and moving flaps and he's a big fan.

Seriously the best book ever. 

•Squealing. Especially during quiet moments at church.

The swing elicits many joyful squeals and hilarious kicking of chubby legs. 

•Blowing raspberries. This is Nate's love language. He gets so thrilled, like we're all speaking some secret special language, when we do it back and forth.

Laying on the ground, blowing raspberries to himself. Such a goof. 

•Baths. A happy time of the evening for all. He especially loves drinking bath water. Gross. And swimming is extra awesome because it's like a giant bath, with Mom and Dad in there!

He's since graduated to sitting in the tub like a big boy and it kind of makes me want to cry. 

•Cuddling with blankets. One of Nate's most endearing and adorable habits is laying his head down on blankets and rubbing his head into them when he's tired. So so darling.

•Hobbes. We wake up in the morning to Nate and Hobbes having a very adorable conversation.

And sometimes he also enjoys making out with Hobbes. 

Things Nate Does NOT Love

•Napping. Argh. 90% of Nate's naps are 45 minutes, and then he throws in a 2.5 hour nap in there every now and then just to confuse me, and only if I have somewhere I was supposed to be. The stinker.

•Nursing when he's not in the mood. If Nate is not in precisely the right mood to nurse, he is such a pill. Back arching, pushing away, yelling, the whole works. And if I'm hot or he's hot, it's downright offensive to even offer to nurse.

•Being hot. See above. Poor little dude is pretty sensitive to the heat and gets all red and sweaty and cranky pretty quick. This makes summer in Alabama a bit challenging.

•Being tired. Despite his hatred of naps, he sure acts like he wants them. Being woken up makes him so mad. So like his Dad...

This little friend has logged an impressive amount of travel hours in his little life- 75+ hours of car trips so far, and 5 flights, and he is such a trooper. But homeboy loves himself his crib and sleeping is always a bummer when we're traveling, which is too bad since we've been traveling for about 1/2 of his life. 

•Getting things taken out of his hands. So rude.

•When the food is gone. Also rude.

•The snot sucker. I would hate it too, bud.

•Green vegetables. I did all of the right things and only offered vegetables first and I continue to try them over and over again but he just will not do it! The only vegetables he'll eat are squash, carrots, and sweet potatoes. If it's green, it aint happening. But if it's mixed with fruit, he'll eat it.

Nate's sleeping is possibly improving. He is in the middle of a good streak, but he's fooled me with these streaks before... He'll be sleeping great for a few days, maybe even a week, and then he will completely dissolve and wake up 6 times a night for a week. It makes me fairly nutty. But he's so darn happy and sweet, I can't be too mad about it. Whenever we are out and about, people always comment on what a sweet-natured and mellow baby he is. He really is just the sweetest. But then people always follow that comment with "Enjoy it now, it won't last." Pfff, I'm just going to continue to live under the delusion that he will always sit sweetly and cherubicly in the high chair while we eat lunch, don't go prematurely raining on my parade!

He is a dynamite Target shopping buddy, and never judges my food court Diet Coke or my impulse purchases.  

I love having my little best friend around. He is currently a delightful errands running buddy, as long as we aren't out too close to nap time, and everyone stops to enjoy his chubby and grinning self. But for as darling and sweet as he is, he always plays hard to get whenever any stranger comes to chat with him. He goes from babbling and grinning to giving a pretty decent crusty stare, and occasionally flickering his eyes to me, wondering if he should cry or not. That's okay- it makes his laughs and giggles that much more endearing when you have to earn them.

I love watching him play with Cary. It melts my heart. I was getting ready for church the other day and Cary was reading Brown Bear Brown Bear to Nate, making all of the animal sounds, and it was one of those moments you want to put in a bottle and save forever. I'm a lucky lady.

I can't believe how tiny he used to be. When I look at these pictures, I feel a little bipolar. One the one hand, I miss his teeny little self who used to curl up on my chest and sleep for hours and his little newborn sounds and just general brand new perfectness. But on the other hand, newborn days were a rough go for us, and I'm kind of glad they are behind me. And he is so much fun now, and I love watching his little personality develop. Geez, it goes fast. If only someone had told me that... Ha. Being a parent means constantly wishing you could pause, rewind, and fast forward; sometimes all at once. But this little babe just keeps growing and I love him more every day.  And especially on the days he sleeps well. 

Kiss me.

6 years ago, on May 10th, I got a call from a cute boy I'd met at church a few times, asking me to go to this big dance with him at the Air Force Academy. I said yes, and asked how tall he was so I would know how high of heels I could wear. When he said he was 5'8'' I immediately mentally categorized him right into the friend zone and bought some flats for the dance. He asked me out for the next Wednesday and I also said yes, because I love free food.

And now for a note from Amy's soapbox. When it is a Sunday, and a person says "next" Wednesday, it should be assumed that they mean the Wednesday that is a week and a half away. Because the Wednesday in 4 days would be called "this" Wednesday. See: Figure 1.

Figure 1

 Am I right, or am I right?

This has a point. When "THIS" Wednesday rolled around, I went for a nice afternoon run. After my run, I met my friends at Chipotle, because the logical thing to do after running 5 miles is to eat a 1,000 calorie burrito. It should be mentioned that I decided against showering, and just went all sweaty, because I am disgusting. It should also be noted that during my summers home from college, I never brought my cell phone anywhere or wore makeup, because I really loved spending the whole summer enjoying the dating practices of a nun. For reals though, I truly looked forward to 4 whole months without having to worry about flirting or giving phone numbers or shaving my legs regularly.

That is beside the point. The point is, there I was, blissfully pounding down my burrito, when my friend gets a text from my brother, telling her to tell me to call home ASAP. I call home, and my mom informs me that Cary has called my phone twice and called the house, looking for me to make sure we were still on for our date tonight. Whaaaa?? I told her that she needed to tell him that I can't go, because I just ate a massive burrito and I am in no condition to put on pants that require a zipper and button. But Cary was only in town for a day before he had to head back and wouldn't be back again until Ring Dance. And my mother, being much afeared that I would never be asked a date again in my life, forced me to come home, shower, shove myself into my jeans, and go on the date. Despite my major bloating from the burrito and awkwardness from being me, I thought the date was great. We went go-carting, and the temperatures got a little chilly towards the end, and Cary offered me his jacket over and over. And even though I was freezing, I kept saying no because I was honestly afraid that it would be too small, and that would really be depressing. Cary was still sitting pretty in the friend zone at this point, but the evening had been most enjoyable. The date ended with an awkward side hug, as most of my first dates tend to, but I had way more fun than I was anticipating. He was so much fun to talk to. And he was pretty dang cute for an Air Force nerd. 

So. The next week and a half go by, we text and talk a little, and it's ring dance time! I did my hair 3 different times and mentally rehearsed possible conversations starters for our hour and a half drive down to the Academy. He came to pick me up, we took some highly original and not awkward pictures by the stairs and such, and we were on our way. I didn't even have to delve into my conversation starter topics at all and we talked and talked the whole drive there. Horrendous traffic and rain turned our hour and a half drive into 3 hours, but conversation flowed perfectly. And guess what? He talked back! Anyone who has ever met me knows that I could easily fill 3 hours with nonsensical babble without breaking a sweat, but we both contributed to the conversation, and that alone caused me reconsider his placement in the friend zone. 

Ring dance started with a dinner and presentation of the class rings to the new Air Force Academy seniors. Right before they started handing out the rings, Cary leaned over and whispered, "There's something I should probably tell you." In my head, I was preparing myself for several possible confessions. I have food in my teeth? I spilled on myself? He's gay? He fumbled with his napkins and soldiered on: "They have a tradition here... For christening the rings." He looked really nervous and uncomfortable and I feared that the christening involved sacrificing a goat or your date or something. I stared at him in anticipation. "See... The date usually takes the ring and drops it into her champagne (sparkling cider) glass. And when she drinks it, she's supposed to catch the ring in her teeth and give it to the cadet... Through a kiss. But you don't have to if you don't want to.... I mean, if you want to... we can... But, um... yeah." All I could respond with was, "Oh!" I was so relieved that no goats or dates would be sacrificed that the reality of this situation didn't really sink in. Our first kiss was going to be around approximately a billion people, and giant metal ring was going to be involved. It really wasn't quite how I pictured it going down. But I still wasn't too concerned. Cary was still fairly solidly planted in the friend zone, and I thought it would just be a cute little story and another tally for the "Boys I've Kissed" list. 

The ring, in the bottom of the glass. Cary cracks me up in this picture. He looks so nervous.

I dropped the ring into my glass and suddenly my hands were sweating and my heart was pounding. What the heck? Why was I nervous about kissing this guy? I was terrified. For several reasons:
1. What if I choke on the ring? I am really not all that coordinated and that would be horrible way to die.
2. What if I kiss him... and it's more than just a funny kiss for tradition? That would really ruin my summer plans of not shaving or showering with regularity.
3. I hate sparkling cider. I have to drink a whole glass? Ugh.

So I drank the sparkling cider, miraculously caught the ring in my teeth, and leaned in to give it to Cary with a kiss. It was awkward, staged, metal-y, and perfect. I remember perfectly the feeling of the ring clanging as it touched my teeth teeth and the feeling of shivers that went down to my toes when Cary's lips touched mine. We laughed and blushed and I immediately knew that this boy was going to be more than a tally. 

6 years since our first kiss and 5 years since this kiss, and I never want to stop.

Happy Anniversary, Cary Wilson Reeves. It just keeps getting better. 

Laboring in love

Love at first sight. That's how a lot of people describe meeting their baby for the first time. It's what I always expected. The thought of meeting my baby and feeling that breath-taking love is what kept me going through some of the less-than-wonderful moments of pregnancy.

After a grueling 2 hours of pushing, they laid Nate on my chest and my husband and the nurses were excitedly celebrating his arrival, asking me if I wanted to nurse. I barely remember mumbling something apparently in the negative and they whisked him away to go clean him up. The room felt like it was spinning and I felt so confused and tired and oddly sad and I just wanted to go to bed. I tried to get a grip and sit up to meet this baby that had consumed my every thought for 9 months. As they placed him in my arms, I kept waiting for that feeling of love and elation to wash over me. But all I felt was tired, and I just wanted this tiny wrinkly stranger to go away for a while so I could go to sleep. My husband and mom gushed over him and I feebly tried to join in, but I just felt so detached and so so tired. The days in the hospital were a blur of trying to nurse and a nonstop flow of people in scrubs coming in to poke and prod my baby and me. I wanted to go home, and I kind of wanted to leave the baby at the hospital and pretend none of this ever happened.

We got home, and the sleeplessness and overwhelmed feeling continued. But even with these confusing emotions swirling in my head, I knew that I would take care of my baby. Even if I didn't feel all that bonded to him, I felt a sense of duty from being his mother, and I wouldn't let anything happen to him. After all, it wasn't his fault that he got a dud of a mom. He deserved someone to take care of him and someone to love him. And I wanted to be that someone. Oh how I wanted it. I would post a picture of him and people would comment about how cute he is and how much they loved him- If they loved him so much, why didn't I? I would look into his curious little eyes and say "I love you" to my tiny baby, but I felt like I was pretending. It felt so forced. I so badly wanted to mean it. It felt more like, "I want to love you. I know I SHOULD love you. I'm trying to love you." Where I expected a roaring flame of all-consuming love for my baby, I found instead a tiny bed of coals. Tiny coals that made me want to take care of him and protect him, even if I didn't find the experience that all enjoyable.

With an unwavering sense of duty to this tiny person I brought into the world, I tended to this little babe. I struggled through nursing because I wanted to give it my all, I spent countless hours rocking and soothing a baby who didn't want to sleep. I knew I was capable of taking care of him, but it felt like such a chore. I started to dread our night time routine. The whole bathing/lotioning/diapering/feeding/rocking felt about as fun to me as a 2 hour root canal. I felt like if someone knocked on my door and said "Hi! I promise to love and care for your baby; can I have him?" I would have shrugged and said, "Sure! He's all yours." But as no one was making the offer, I continued to take care of the many needs of this tiny little person, all day and all night.

What I didn't realize was that every diaper change, every middle of the night feeding, every minute spent rocking and cuddling was stoking the fire. Those little coals were burning and tenderly caring for my baby was slowly adding kindling to my little fire. It took my breath away to realize that where once a few coals burned, a huge fire was roaring inside of me, and I knew I loved my baby more than I had ever loved anything in my life. I would without hesitation give up my time, my money, and my life for him. And I would do it not because I have to, but because I want him to be happy and healthy more than I've ever wanted anything. It didn't happen overnight, and it didn't happen because I sat around and waited to love him. It happened because I just kept working at it. I kept telling him I love him even when it felt forced, I kept bathing him even though it was tedious, and I kept going to him in the middle of the night even though I wanted to put in ear plugs and pretend I was anywhere else.

Last night, I scooped Nate up from his bath, wrapped him in a fluffy towel, gave him a squeeze and soaked in all 16.5 chubby pounds of sweet-smelling, 5 month old perfection. I sang to him as I lotioned him up and gloried in his chunky thighs, his sweet giggle, and the way he smiles so big when his head pops through the onesie as I dress him. I sat in the rocker and melted at the way he touches my face as he eats and the way he nuzzles his head into me when he's ready to go to sleep. I kissed him goodnight, closed the door, and my heart felt like it might burst. I found myself looking forward to our middle of the night feeding because sometimes I miss him when he's sleeping. Tears sprung to my eyes as I realized how much I love that little boy, and how much joy he brings me. Our night time routine is now a highlight of my day. Actually, it's a highlight of my life. I never could have imagined how much happiness a clean and sleepy baby in my arms would bring me. Sure, sometimes I wish he would just stop pooping so I wouldn't have to change diapers, and sometimes I'm slightly less joyful about seeing him when it's the middle of the night. But taking care of my baby now brings me so much joy and fulfillment.  Every single night, I thank God over and over again for blessing me with this little one that lights up my life.

Falling in love is an interesting phrase. It makes it sound effortless- like you trip and suddenly find yourself in love.  And for some, that seems to be the case. A baby is placed in their arms and they are instantly in love. But for me, I find the phrase laboring in love to be much more apt. I quite literally labored for the love that now fills my entire heart and soul. I had to work for it, but it doesn't make that love any less genuine or any less blissful. And for any new mom out there struggling through the newborn haze of sleeplessness and endless feedings, looking at her baby and wondering if it is ever going to be worth it, I want to hug you through the computer screen and tell you YES. Keep kissing those cheeks and wiping that bum. Keep tending those little coals. Pretty soon you're going to be feeling the warmth of a burning fire of love for that baby, and nothing has ever felt better.