Wednesday, August 31, 2011


I am mostly a good person, I would say.

I return my shopping cart after loading my groceries into the car. I use my blinker. I even recycle occassionally.

But there are a few guilty habits of mine that I feel the need to confess. Perhaps some of you do the same things, which would ease my guilty conscience. Or perhaps you will read this and be disgusted at what a terrible person I am. Either way, here goes:

1. While engaged in some intensive facebook stalking at work, I have been delighted to discover that many of the "popular" girls at my school are now fat and trashy. This should make me feel sad for them, and wonder what lead them to this desperate and pathetic looking state, but instead I am giddy about the fact that they peaked in high school. And it serves them right for asking me to be in their group for group projects, just so that I would do all of the work while they swapped tips on getting beer stains out of their cheerleading uniforms and exchanged stories on what it is like to live life with the IQ of a sea urchin.

2. I've taken out the trash probably 3 times in my entire life. I just keep stuffing things in and piling up the trash while hoping that someone else (namely: my husband) will get annoyed with it and take it out. It shames me to admit this, but I recently threw away trash from making dinner into our office trash can because our kitchen trash can was beyond overflowing and I really didn't want to take it out.

3. When I am in the faster moving lane during a traffic jam (which has only happened about 2 times in my life) I feel immensely superior to all those suckers stuck in the slow lane. Rather than being sympathetic to that oh-so-familiar situation, I sit taller in my seat and stare straight ahead, making a conscious effort to avoid eye contact that might lead them to believe I will let them into my lane.

4. I get genuinely irritated when my already-skinny friends go on diets or train for a marathon or something. Rather than being supportive, I mope around about how they are raising the bar entirely too high, and now who am I going to eat dessert and complain about getting fat with?? It is just unfair that they would consider trying to better their health or figure without consulting my needs first.

5. All you moms are going to hate me for this one... But when I'm out at some sort of establishment where little kids are present, such as a restaurant or theme park or something, and I'm there with a group without any kids, all I can think is, "Ha ha! I am having so much more fun than you! No one in this group has cried at all, and I don't have to worry about anyone's bathroom needs!" Someday, I will have kids and I really am looking forward to that, but for now, I can not lie: I love going places with out them.

6. This doesn't really make me a bad person, but I just need to lay it all out there: I swallow my gum, almost all of the time. Cary thinks it is the most disgusting thing on the planet and actually gags when I do it. I keep trying to stop and make an effort to throw it away, but I just unconsiously swallow it once I'm sick of it.

7. I get very competitive with my treadmill neighbor while I'm at the gym, and feel somehow superior if I run faster/longer than they do. This is especially true if I am running next to some muscular dude or a skinny girl who is wearing make-up and jewelry and a color-coordinated gym outfit.  But if it turns out that my neighbor is running more than I am going to, I think they are just showing off or that the competition is somehow unfair. Either way, I convince myself that I won my made-up treadmill competition.

8. Provided that no one gets seriously injured, nothing brings me more delight than watching people fall down. Given the entertainment that I have provided to other people with my collection of public wipe outs, I feel that I have earned the right to laugh at others. One of the highlights of my life was watching a guy who thought he was super hot stuff fall off the back of his treadmill. I replay it in my mind when I need a little lift.

9. I have been guilty of hiding in the elevator and not pressing the hold door open button so that I don't have to share an awkward elevator ride with a stranger.

10. I write long and pointless blogs while at work and only feel very vague and occassional pangs of guilt.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal.

It is Friday! I only have to work for half of the day! In 35 more minutes, I will be off and I'm planning on getting me a big' ol' fountain Diet Coke, doing some leisurely mid-day grocery shopping (which is a true delight, since I usually have to go at 4:00, and at that time, going to Wal-Mart in Del Rio makes me feel like I am leaving the United States), and catching up on some important educational and edifying programming on Netflix (not to be read as: Teen Mom). Today is awesome, and nothing can put me in a bad mood.

Not even crossing paths with the same dude on 5 different occassions on my run this morning. How many times can you exchange tight-lipped smiles and head nods without it becoming uncomfortable? I will tell you that it is less than 5.

And I'm not going to dwell on the fact that I discovered a huge spider in my sports bra upon my return from said run. I'm moving on! Can't get me down on Friday.

And I will not allow the awkward moment that happened a few minutes ago to phase me in the slightest. I took quick bathroom break. I was washing my hands and noticed too late that there was water all over the counter, and thus, water all over my pants. Naturally, I decided to fix this unfortunate looking splash via squatting awkwardly under the hand dryer. During this entire journey of going to the bathroom, checking out my hair in the mirror, washing my hands- no one had entered the bathroom. But of the course the moment I am drying off the crotch of my pants under the hand dryer, 3 different ladies all came in and gave me that "so tragic" look.

I don't even care that someone in the near vicinity of me keeps clearing their throat and honking their nose and it is making me a bit nauseous. I'm outta hear in 29 minutes and homeboy and his gross nasal situation are not coming with me.

Nope, instead I am focusing on Diet Coke and trashy television induced bliss that is coming my way in approximately 22 more minutes.

Three cheers of the weekend!

Also: I ran 5 miles in sub 45 minutes, which might sound pathetic to people who are good at running, but has been a goal of mine for a long time now... Holler back.

Also again: Husband update: After a week of battling airsickness, throwing up in the plane, being spun around in the horrible-sounding barany chair, and having an in-flight emergency and making an emergency landing in Abilene, Texas, he is finally starting to enjoy flying the T-1. And also, he makes the best breakfast sandwich in the world.

Friday, August 19, 2011

A smattering of recent random photos that I enjoy.

 I have decided that what this here blog needs is a photopalooza. Because there are entirely too many wordy posts going on here. I pondered putting these photos into some sort of logical order, but after much thought, I've decided against it, because I am way too lazy for that nonsense. Without further ado:

 Me and my widdle bothers! They are so cute. I still can't believe little Rhino is on his mission!

 Here are some pictures of us in Florida! What a great time it was. There are my weirdo brothers on the beach. My dad got them all matching bright orange swimsuits. Unexpected bonus: they all had little combs attached to a tether in the back pocket. You never know when you're going to need to tame your luscious locks while in the surf.
 Scenes from the beach. Oh how I love the feeling of sand between my toes! I love it less in my ears and nostrils and swimsuit, but it's worth it. I want to move to the beach.
 Katie is so cute and pregnant! I am just having a food baby. I didn't want her to feel alone in her big bellied-ness. This picture is disturbing, but also amusing.
We like to dress up while on vacation.
 I'm on a horse.
 Off on our equine adventure! My horse kept biting Brent's horses' tail. And also I wanted to take all of the horses home with me. They can live in our spare bedroom.
 We were making Ryan into a missionary. But I decided that making him into a missionary was kind of boring. So I decided that he needed some, ahem, bonus features. I'm all about keeping it appropriate for the future missionary.
 Our final product. After this I sprinkled some sand over Ryan's nose, just because there was nothing he could do about it and I am mean. And it came to pass that it was hilarious.
 And now we're in Alabama! This is the genius invention of my cousin: Dock + carpet + plastic + soapy water= Most excellent Slip-N-Slide.
 Look at me go! I'm slaloming! I love it so.
 My little cousins are so cute and sassy. So unfair that none of them are cursed with awkward phases of my magnitude.
 Waterfall! Always a fun time. Except for two very large women who very nearly fell off the top of the waterfall while we were there. But that is a story for another time.
 Brent's calender shoot. My brothers are such goobers.
 And now for a random picture of Cary, holding Abby. He loves to pick her up and hold her like a baby. Her feelings on this remain unclear.
 Once upon a time, we were at Petsmart and I found this hilarious and precious calender of Lab Puppies. I made Cary buy it for me, and it hangs proudly in my kitchen. Now I just need a puppy sweater, puppy mouse pad, and puppy mug and my collection of embarrassing puppy items will be complete. I have been looking forward to August's puppy picture since January! I just want to take that soggy and pathetic looking puppy home with me!
 Sometimes, Cary has to take my car to work. He is always complaining about it, and I never understood why. Until one day I walked up to my car and noticed the "Ski Like A Girl" bumper sticker, and "Air Force Wife" license plate frame. Heh.
And finally, last August when my mom was driving out to Alabama with me, we stopped for the night at my uncle's house in Topeka, Kansas. When we woke up the next morning, my mom was super sick and thought she had appendicitis. I thought she had a case of hypochondria. But we took her to the hospital, and it turns out that yes indeed, her appendix was very angry. So she got an appendectomy, we stayed in Topeka for a couple of days, she flew home to Colorado and I drove the rest of the way to Alabama all by my onesie. So I decided that she needed a t-shirt to honor the memory. I giggled myself silly while making her "I left my (picture of appendix) in Topeka, KS" shirt.


I hope you enjoyed that little collection of pictures.  

Don't get used to it, seeing as I am now camera-less.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


1. The dark days are over. You no longer need to mourn my prolonged blogging absence. You see, for a while there, my place of employment decided that it would be prudent to block all websites that might possibly be more entertaining than working. E-mail sites, facebook, news sites, blogs... It was all blocked. It was a dark time, indeed. I resorted to taking online typing words per minute tests to amuse myself, which I'm sure my office neighbor really enjoyed. (Also?100 WPM is my record. Boo-ya). But for some reason, I came back from my trip to Colorado and they were unblocked! Praise Buddha. The internet is rejoicing that my witty rhetoric will once again be published.

2. But with each victory comes a defeat. I know this may shock those who know me well, but I seem to have permanently misplaced my camera. I'm not going to say that I lost it, because that sounds irresponsible and sad.  But I will say that the chances of my camera finding its way back into my hands after its probable tumble from my purse in the airport are very slim. So I'm going to stick with permanently misplaced. I never particularly liked this camera, especially its habit of making me look about 75 pounds heavier, but I'm still bummed that it's lost. And you all should really be bummed because until I get another camera/ steal my husband's camera, there will be nothing but words on this blog, which is super boring.

3. Today is my first day back to work after my week long vacation to the blessed state of Colorado. I had 21 e-mails. Only 2 of them were actually for me. It's good to feel like I am contributing to society...

4. I very nearly missed my flight into Denver. I had printed off a coupon to park at Budget Rent-A-Car for 4 bucks a day and plugged the address into my GPS. First of all, I got stuck behind a line of a million trucks going 20 mph below the speed limit. This was the warm up round for an exercise in self control regarding swear words, middle finger usage, and jaw clenching/teeth grinding abilities. After getting around all of those dumb trucks, I finally got into San Antonio.

Then the drama started. I got into a major fight with my TomTom. Stupid thing kept getting confused about what road I was on, and telling me to take left turns off of the highway, when in fact I was on a bridge, and taking a left turn would be a very poor idea. I ended up passing the dumb place I was trying to park several times, but always on a street that would never take me to there. It was like a mirage. Finally, I was getting desperate and my flight was leaving in 45 minutes, so I decided to park in a more expensive parking lot right across the street. I might not have done this if I'd known that this particular establishment was having their annual "Move In Slow Motion and Be Unhelpful" day. I had to follow a shuttle in order to get to the spot to park my car. Then I took the shuttle back to the main place. Then I had to wait for a different shuttle to come pick me up and take me to the airport.

 Eventually I made it to the airport, where the line to check baggage for Southwest extended practically into Mexico. So I ran back out into the outside check in place, where they graciously checked my bag, even though I had no money for a tip. I offered them a $5 Walmart giftcard, but strangely they refused. Please note that at this point, I had only muttered about 4-5 minor swear words. I was holding up pretty well. So I get to the security line, which is usually empty. But of course they are also involved in celebrating "Move In Slow Motion and Be Unhelpful" day, along with "Be Surly and Rude and Act As If Something Large and Spikey Has Been Inserted Into Your-" ...Anyway. Suffice it to say, no customer service awards were earned this day. My flight was leaving in 20 minutes. A gracious stranger at the front of the line offered to let me cut in front of her. After thanking her over and over, I jumped in line and as I was beginning to exhale a large sigh of relief, a TSA worker pulled me out and said that I couldn't cut in line because I would have to ask every single patron in line if it was okay with them, and I need to go to the back of the line. Following the principles of "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," I marched on back to the end of the line, which had grown considerably by this point. And then I cried. After this 4 hour long stress-fest, I was just done with it and couldn't blink back my frustration anymore.

Someone towards the front of the line had been watching this drama all play out, and happened to be leaving the line to go do something, and she asked the TSA lady if she could give me her spot, because then the wait would be the same for everyone in line. The TSA lady eventually grunted her approval, and I nearly french kissed both of them, and made it to my plane just as they were boarding my group.

Boy, I did not intend for that to be so long! Geez. The point is. I should stop traveling so much. If I don't, I will grind my teeth down to nubs.

4. Speaking of traveling. It is important that we all stick together and unite on the issue of delivering solid dirty looks to drivers who are driving under the influence of being an idiot. If someone is driving like a weinerhead, it is important that this sentiment is communicated appropriately. It is up to us.

5. Here are some google searches that have led people to my blog.

"best vienna sausages" (Ha.)
"funny roaches pics" (Do I mention roaches a lot? Hmm.)
"need me a big girl" (WHAT the WHAT?? Get out of here, Creeper McCreepyson!)
"sweet mustache things" (Well, I am some what of an authority on sweet mustache things, after all.)

I am concerned.

Plus, these people must have clicked through about 95 pages on google to come up with this blog on their search. Yikes.

5. I went to church with my family in Colorado on Sunday. When Cary and I go to church together, we always hold hands during the prayer. Thus, I tried to hold my Mom's hand during the prayer. Whoops.

6. I had Chick-N-Minis (or Chiki Minins, as I called them accidently) from Chick-Fil-A on 3 different occassions. I am going to name my first child after them.

7. I am boring myself. Sorry this is lame. Better blogs to come, I promise.