Monday, January 31, 2011

A beautiful story.

Ha, psyche! It's not beautiful at all. It's gross. And it probably doesn't need to be shared with all of the internets, but I am bored and don't feel like studying Organizational Behavior

(Side note: One of the electives for my major is called "Organizational Behavior." It is one of the few that is offered through Independent Study, so even though I had no idea what it was about, I enrolled. I assumed it would be a class about keeping a planner and sorting your closet or something like that. No sir! It is this big complicated business class about Effective Organizations in the work place. It's not that hard, except that I don't understand any of their fancy shmancy business talk. This was a horrible surprise, as I was very excited about learning about sorting and organizing closets. Rats.)

After that very relevant tangent, here is the story:

Once upon a time, I was experiencing a very embarrassing medical situation. We are talking humiliating. I have pondered just biting the bullet and telling you guys what it was, but it is really just too weird. So just know that it is not something you want your casual friends to know details about. I was hanging out with my brother and sister and since I have no sense of propriety, we were doing a little google search about my particular awkward health issue. They were already relishing in my discomfort and enjoying many laughs at my expense. At the same time, I was also having a little facebook chat session with my brother's friend. I am friends with this guy, but not overly so. Not in a way that would allow sharing of embarrassing medical information. Also, I may or may not have been harboring a little crush on this friend of my brothers. Between browsing symptoms and treatment of said ailment, I would pause to chat with this friend. Somehow as I went to click into the chat box, in one horrifying instant, everything I had been looking at about my problem copied and pasted into the chat window and sent. It was like watching a horror movie, watching the chat window fill up with page after page of information about my embarrassing problem. In a state of panicked frenzy, I pressed buttons and keys and tried to bargain with the devil to undo what had just been done, but it appeared to be too late. After I regained consciousness from my multiple heart attacks, I frantically tried to figure out ways to explain why I decided to send him 15 pages of medical grossness.  All the while my siblings were rolling around on the floor  laughing and snorting and crying and being generally unsupportive of my predicament. I think Matt might have wet his pants. Thankfully, there is a merciful God in heaven, and the chat window froze and shut down and none of the information actually got sent. I was very relieved as I put down the noose I had been tying.

And my siblings are going straight to Hell for being so cold in my time of need. They still erupt into unstoppable giggling should the situation ever be mentioned. And they make it a point to mention it. Often.

The end.

Saturday, January 29, 2011


 Introducing a unique collection on photos that I like to call
The Best $1 I Ever Spent"

My name is Amy. 

And I really like food

 And this is what I'm going to look like in 20 years

... Maybe more like 2 years. 
Here is my handsome brother, Brent. He can eat 2 Chipotle burritos without even breaking a sweat.

  Someday his metabolism will slow down. (And it will be a joyous day for those of us without such blessed metabolisms.)

 This is my widdle brudder Josh. He makes this face a lot. It's pretty funny...

 ... But it would be even funnier if he weighed 500 lbs.

And here is my other widdle brudder Yanr. His real name is Ryan but I can't remember the last time I called him that. He is cute and the ladies love him.

Feast your eyes on the future, ladies.

Fat Booth is alternately hilarious and horrifying. I should post these pictures on my fridge to remind me to keep my grubby fingers out of there. 
Will you guys still be my friend when I look like this?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Boy do I love lists.

I think the reason I always write things in lists is because my brain jumps from topic to topic so quickly and so often that I find transitional sentences to be cumbersome. How in the world would one properly segue from sleep-talking to puppies? Until I figure it out, here is an extremely important document chronicling my thoughts at the current moment.

1. A few nights ago, I fell asleep in our bed while watching a movie. I fell asleep on Cary's side of the bed, and apparently in the middle of the night I shook Cary awake violently and demanded that he switch places with me because his side of the bed was too hot.

2. I want to get a lab puppy and I want to name him Dudley. This is largely because I want to call him Dudders and Duddykins, ala Aunt Petunia in Harry Potter. We won't be getting another dog for a long time, but I'm writing it down so that when we do, I will remember that I want to name him Dudley.

3. I tried to stop buying Bluebell ice cream. I have absolutely no self control around the stuff and so I decided it can't be in our house anymore. I lasted almost a month. We bought some this week. In my defense, we were having some friends over, and I wasn't about to serve sub-par ice cream. Why does that darn ice cream always gotta be singing its siren song from the freezer? Why is there no melodious singing coming from my bag of carrots?

4. For the last week or two, every time I go running with Abby, about a mile or 2 out, I suddenly have a desperate need for the ladies room. I don't know why this keeps happening to me. When I stop and walk, I feel fine, but then as soon as I try to run again, I feel like I might embarrass myself. So I have to awkwardly jog/shuffle/speed walk home. Why for is this happening to me?? As a result of not being able to finish our usual long runs for the last bit combined with Bluebell ice cream coming back into my life, my jeans are feelin' tight. Rats.

5. I recently took over the BodPod measurements at my internship. My job is basically to shove people inside the little BodPod egg, push some buttons and then let them tell me that it's wrong when I tell them their body fat percentage. There is just no pleasing these people! One guy came in this morning and his body fat ended up being pretty high, and I thought that he might start crying. Sorry, pal. And then another guy got mad because he said that it was too low. For crying out loud! Don't kill the messenger, homies!

6. I have my American Heritage final on Friday. I have been studying for 2 weeks and I have studied 4 out of 22 chapters. Obviously now is the most appropriate time to be bloggin'.

7. The Care Bear started pilot training today! I love that guy. I'm going to miss having him around all of the time. He's my favorite. Also, we made the most amazing breakfast burritos of all time yesterday. I wanted to adopt one and keep it forever.... ? But I ate it instead. Also again, we are on the final level of Mario on the wii. And when I say we I mean I am because Cary is horrible at Mario and is always making us die. I used to be embarrassed that I was so good at Mario but now I'm embracing it, peeps. I'm not hiding that talent under a bushel any longer, my friends.

8. Who decided that khakis are professional looking? I have to wear khakis for my internship and I hate it. They make my legs look like giant, fatty vienna sausages. I feel that this really diminishes my credibility. Who wants wellness advice from someone with sausage legs? No one.

And on that note, I'll think I'll go study the Founding Fathers some more.

Friday, January 21, 2011

A realization

Something has dawned on me lately.

I thought maybe it was just a collection of isolated incidents. But when I objectively take a look, the evidence is clear.

I am the most awkward person on the earth.

I don't know how this happened. Have I always been awkward? Is this a new development? Do I have a brain tumor that has caused the part of my brain responsible for social norms to cease functioning? I'm not sure. But the fact remains.

Case Study #1: The Phone. Oh goodness. Every time my phone rings, I break out into a cold sweat. I procrastinate making phone calls for days, and sometimes rehearse what I need to say before dialing. And voicemails... Have mercy. Here is a classic example of all voicemails ever left by me: "Oh. Hi. I was just calling because..... I just wanted to know if you.... Oh wait, no, um, I was just.... Do you? I think I left my wallet at your house, but I can't remember if I was at your house or at the gym or... (long distracted pause while I try to remember how to speak English and also try to pick up whatever I inevitably knocked over/spilled while I was pacing around the house) Anyway. It might be there. So, if it is, could you call me back and tell me? Or I mean, if it isn't you can still call me back. Or whatever you want to do. You don't have to call me back. Um. Ok. So bye. Oh and this is Amy. And do you have my number? It's 817- oh wait- you can just see it on your missed calls. This is Amy. Bye."

No wonder people don't return my calls. They'd have to schedule out 3 hours of time to get through my babbling before I come up with something coherent!

Case Study #2: Nothing says "you are awkward" like listening to the sound of one of your failed attempts at humor fall to the floor. We were doing gait (running stride) analysis training at my internship this week, and I was the guinea pig for everything. I was lying on the table with my shirt rolled up while they all tried to put the reflective markers on my back. It was kind of an awkward moment in and of itself. But I decided it would be nice to kick the uncomfortableness up a notch. They couldn't get the marker to stick to my skin and I was like, "Oh, sorry, I forgot to shave my back this morning." ... Not even one chuckle. That made the situation about 50 times more awkward. Another time, they were setting up the rear view camera, and I could see them focusing in on my butt on the screen, and I said, "Hope you all are enjoying the view back there." I think some crickets came from outside just so they could chirp through the silence on that one. Man.

Case Study #3: I wish someone would publish some guidelines for proper handshake and hugging protocol. We dropped by the O-Club tonight so Cary could talk to some Commander guy. I met 3 of Cary's friends there and I managed to make awkward moments out of each one of those. Shaking hands is my worst fear. I don't think I have ever exchanged a hand shake that wasn't weird. And don't even get me started on goodbye hugs. A woman from church came over to my house and as she was leaving, she looked like she was going to shake hands so I went for the handshake right as she went for the arm-around-the-shoulder squeeze and I was left with my hands trapped in between us, kind of flailing about. That kind of thing just makes you want to go take a shower. Smooooth.

Case Study #4: My co-worker was recently telling me about something really sad that had happened to her. Here is when my awkwardness really shines. How on earth do non-impaired people respond to such things? Because here are about the only 2 responses that ever come to mind: "Dang, that sucks." or "Bummer." Maybe a shoulder pat or 2. It's not like I don't empathize. I really do, and I wish I were capable of being there for someone and listening and having the correct responses.

Case Study #5: Small talk is such a struggle for me. My sister jokingly gave me some conversation starter cards when I went to college so I could make friends. Funny joke, except I wish that it wouldn't be considered weird if I actually used them. When I was dating Cary, I would sometimes look through the questions and pick out good ones just in case we ran out of things to talk about while we were on a date. This is a mortal fear of mine. I don't like striking up conversations with strangers because I dread that moment when you both are like, "Well, we've really exhausted all the small talk I can think of, and now I want to leave, but I'm not really sure how, so I'm going to continue to babble about my dog."

This is getting lengthy. I could go on for hours. But the evidence is conclusive: I am awkward. I need to take a class on how to act like a normal human being.

Or maybe I will just stay inside for the rest of my life.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

An ode to Captain Crunch

I see you on the shelf
There at the grocery store
I know I shouldn't take you home
You've hurt me before

But I convince myself
To buy you anyway
And I eat you for breakfast
The very next day

You are still delicious
But I should have taken a pass
Because now my mouth feels like
I ate a bowl full of glass

The roof of my mouth is ripped to shreds
It hurts a whole bunch
You tricked me again!
I hate you, Captain Crunch.

Also, did you know that Golden Crisps first listed ingredient is sugar?
That is distressing.

I am returning to my usual breakfast of yogurt and banana, so that the roof of my mouth will remain in one piece and so I won't succumb to the dreaded Dia-beet-us.

At least Liberty Medical could deliver my dia-beet-us supplies right to my door! (Haha, I hate that commercial so much)

This post is weird.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Just curious...

I've always wondered how many people actually read the ol' blog. It tells me I have 8 "followers" but I know I stalk many a blog without "following" that blog. I'm just kind of curious who all my audience is...So, if you're reading this, could you do me a solid and write a little comment? And so you don't have to write something like "I am one of your stalkers" I will give you a question to answer:

How do you like your bananas?

Cary and I often argue in the produce section over which bananas to choose. He likes his all yellow, no green in sight, and maybe even with a few little brown parts. I am a freakazoid and I like mine just about as green as I can buy them. The kind that are so not ripe that the peel is kind of hard to get off. Once there is no green left on them, their only purpose for existence for me is in banana bread.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


Whenever I'm having a bad day, I can just be grateful that at least it's not as bad at this guy's day...

Friday, January 7, 2011

Pictures, captions, and a recipe

I was jolted awake at 6 this morning to the sound of Abby tossing her cookies. Always a pleasant way to greet the day. But it's alright because some serious strings were pulled for me at BYU and they re-admitted me and I get to graduate in April! I wanted to kiss my counselor. Well, that would be awkward because he is an old man, so we'll just stick with an enthusiastic high five. Hey, did anybody else watch Ke$ha on Times Square on New Year's Eve? Holy moly she looks like a man! Her eyebrows were out of control. They looked like big hairy caterpillars on her face. She is disgusting. But her songs are so darn catchy. And I don't care what anyone else says, I love the Backstreet Boys and I always will. Nick is still such a hunk. I can't really think of a smooth way to transition into the smattering of pictures I want to share, so let's just get right to it.

 Here is a blurry picture of our house all lit up for Christmas. It looked a lot better in person. I have a unique ability as a photographer to make anything look a lot uglier than it really is. This is especially evident in pictures I take of Cary and me. Or at least I desperately hope it is just the camera...
 Our bookshelves! All full of books! Hooray.
 Rats, I thought I rotated this and it didn't turn out rotated. Oh well. I just wanted a picture of some presents under our tree. Sigh, I miss Christmas. I am always one to take down Christmas decorations after New Years, but I am kind of happy that other people leave theirs up for a while.
 My new piano! Cary dusted off his violin and we played some duets together and it was so precious and you are all free to go "Awwww." Cary is way good at violin and I had no idea until like a month ago. Plus he looks so cute with his concentrating face on.
Cary opening his presents. I told him to look stoked about his new socks and this was the face I got. He asked for new socks! His Christmas/Birthday presents were so boring. All he wanted was socks, a new suit, and new shoes. How boring.

To reward you for this super boring blog post, here an amazing and low calorie (ha) fruit dip. It is so good. I got this awesome recipe from my Aunt Christina. I made some yesterday and I may or may not have eaten some this morning for breakfast? It's hard to say. I think it's best with green apples. I didn't take a picture because it's not really a looker, but trust me, it's delicious. Try it. Right now.

1 pkg cream cheese (you can use low-fat if you are feeling particularly fond of your arteries)
3/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 c powdered sugar (I was feeling very jiggly and full of self-loathing when I made this and I used only 1/2 c brown sugar and 1/4 c powdered sugar which soothed my conscience a little bit and didn't make a difference in the flavor)
1 tsp vanilla
1 bag of toffee chunks (I used Heath)

Mix it all up and dip apples, strawberries, cantaloupe, a spoon.... your finger....

Monday, January 3, 2011


Last night I took a pan out of the oven and then immediately proceeded to grab it with my bare hand and gave myself three blisters on my hand.

This morning Abby bolted and I had the wonderful privilege of chasing her in my pajamas, barefoot.

This afternoon, Cary's cell phone took a ride in the washing machine, resulting in a sharp decline in my popularity around here.

Turns out I am not ready to be back to real life yet, and I would like a do-over.

At least it can only go up from here?

Oh, and I also found out that I have to re-apply to BYU in order to do my gosh dang internship. And I missed the deadline for winter semester.

I am in an awesome mood!

Sunday, January 2, 2011

The first 10 things that came to my head

1. I made sure to charge my camera and pack the charger so I could take great pictures while we were at Snowbird, but somehow my camera managed to stay at home. Rats. Here are some crappy cell phone pictures:
Abby helping me pack. She was very concerned about the suitcases.
One of my awesome Christmas presents, the shake weight. If you don't understand why the shake weight is hilarious, it is probably for the best. But in case you need a hint, here's the commercial: Shake Weight. SNL has a parody commercial of it, but that is too PG-13 for this blog.

2. On all of our flights over Christmas break, I got the full can of Diet Coke instead of just the little cup full. It almost made me forget that I was getting in 4 hours later than I was supposed to. 
3. Santa was good to us. We got a red Wii and have loved playing Mario and Wii Party on it. Side note, I am awesome at Mario and Cary is horrible. He is always making us die. While I was in Colorado in October, I helped my Mom pick out a bunch of presents to give us for Christmas. I was still genuinely surprised when I opened them. The many perks of having a very limited attention span and a horrible memory. 

4. Skiing is so weird. Who in the world thought it would be a good idea??? If technology was advanced enough to make skis, it was advanced enough to make a fire and stay inside. Don't get me wrong, I love skiing. I look forward to it all year. But every now and then, when my nose hairs are frozen and I have snow down my pants, I remember how much fun being inside is. Aside from freezing my booty off, the snow was amazing and I was finally getting my ski legs back on when it was time to go home. Now to hit up the great skiing here in Del Rio... Rats.

5. My family is hilarious. And if you don't think so, you don't understand good comedy. I am all caught up on great Youtubes. Speaking of which: Click here or you suck.

6. We struggled to stay awake until midnight on New Year's Eve. This girl loves her sleep and I have grown fond on my elderly sleeping habits.

7. Speaking of New Year's Eve. I was lying down with my hands behind my head and my brother dropped to a knee hard on my elbow. It hurt like a B-word. But the good news is that I got the most amazing bruise of my life. I tried to take a picture, but it really doesn't capture the full spectrum of colors. But here it is anyway.

A weird angle of my elbow. I should rotate this but I don't know how and I'm sleepy. 
8. I ate so much at snowbird. Seriously. I had about 12 meals a day. For all conscious hours of the day, I am not sure longer than 30 minutes elapsed without eating something. I thought I would have to be rolled onto the plane. Somehow I lost 2 lbs. I don't understand how it happened. I'm calling it a Christmas miracle.

9. My cousin Maddie is 13 and she is so much cooler than me. She is an awesome skier and she is so cute. When I was 13, I was short and fat and frizzy and dramatic. When Cary saw some pictures of me in middle school, I'm pretty sure he cried from laughing so hard. (Although he can't really talk, Mr. I-tucked-my-polos-into-my-nerdy-high-waisted-and-belted-jeans-and-I-didn't-break-150-until-I-was-a-Junior-in-college.) How come no one goes through awkward phases anymore? Unfair.

10. I want it to be Christmas again.